Cleveland Town Topics Vol. 2 (July-December 1888)

              r CLEVELAND
H Wleekl\? 1Review of Societ\?, Hrt anb 'JUterature.
•
VOL. II .-No. T.
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CLEVELAND 0 __ _ ,.~~LY 7, PRICE, 5 CENTS.
HON. DAVID MORISON.
THE APEX OF GLORY.
Don't tal Ie. of Alexander
When he conquered rar and wide,
Don't speak of Julius Czsar
AI the crown to put aside,
Don't mention old Napoleon
On the field of A usterlit7.,
Don't c'cn allude to Bismarck­That
prince of mighty wits:
The pride of all these mortals
In mist dissolves away
Compared wtth Peter Zucker's
Upon Commcncem;)nt Day.
SALLIE D' BRASSE.
DEAR Toplcs:-The other day I sallied forth (no pun
intended; I'm not in for witty sallies to-,Iay) on a pricing
tour. Of course I didn't buy anything. Your genuine
.P~iil~ shopper seldom does. I simply started out on a
investigation; a search for novelties. You see,
een reading so much in the fashion columns and
ods advertisements about new and startling de­~
r'~t!t,* in the line of dress fabrics. Curious Com bina­orgeous
Goods and Soul-thrilling Shades, you
In short, I expected to find our large stores per-
1ft seums of curiosities-and monstrosities. 1 e"en
1n_d I might discover some goods like that of which
v York sisters have just made dresses. The fig­w
re so large and the young ladies so thin, that one
'n-.. f cut in two made the hacks of the two waists,
ft' you could only see the full pattern when they
.~h'iS~sideby side and away from you. The effect was
~faIltl edly unique. But I was disappointed in my
-eta or something nell'. There were staple goods at
al prices and cheal' imitations of flimsy texture
JP\11t-mare design.,. 1 did find one lIuvelty in the
: a pleasant young sales-woman, who furnished
h some interesting information in regard
shopping public. I don't mean to infer th,'t
~ing saleswoman is a rara Oi'IS, but this one wns
sensible and intelligent, a strllnger to the
Beg puddon, sales-/"dy, if yOll please."
day is the day (or shoppers," she said. "They
e fashions on Sunday, and then come to the
see whereabouts their friends buy their bonnets
ses and how much they pay (or them. Not one
,f them buy anyt hing. (Here I blushed). There I
- movmg III the best socIety who are the dread
·ry-goods clerk. They come regularly, some of
ily, haul over everything, keep several clerks I
)11 them, tryon tJle made-up garments and l11,,·.t
s out, then tell us they will <:<>-11 again. Oh, we .
,m! There is a clerk here who always gets lin­ounter
when she sees Mrs. --- (mentioning
ry prominent in an up-town church) coming."
'pose the clerk who selic the most goods is con­le
most success(ul?" I queried in my pleasantly
e Interviewing style.
t you believe it. Why, any girl can hustle all
taking goods i( she has them in her stock, but
ne with nerve to sell off shop-worn, antiquated
It nine-tenths of the folks wont even look at.
though, sometimes, and get good prices for
" And she gave a wicked lilt Ie laugh that
heart-strings quiver with pity for the poor
from \Vaybaek who come in to see the latest
one article for woman's use that rather startled
it will startle'a'"good mauy unsuspecting pea­the
summer is over. .. \Vhat are they?" I
, as I surveyed the villainous-looking handles,
- ons of boomerangs, javelins and Chinese spears
themselves. "What sort of weapon--why,
rasols!" ~nd so they were. A lace-covered
striped sunshade on the end of the most vicious
iek you ever laid eyes upon. Beware, unwary
s! Walk close to the curb, Mr. Topics, or
U clawed."
a saccharine girl-graduate read an essay on
, lut ....uk. It was a sweet little essay, point­e
demorali%ing tendency of her chosen subject,
were t....o bollow mockeries that she failed to
- T e slippery, Ihiny, tantalizing pillow-Iham
skirt. Pe~~ps my daily graduate'l own
un'I .,.w.e ...... pieced out with fin cent cam.
't"OWN TOPICS.
bric, but I hope not. It is a bad habit to cultivate, this
shamming of skirts, and one that brings a sure Nemesis
with it. \Vhy, Belle Hrimmer said she ruined a new pair
of gloves crying in them at a tank play one evening.
It's always a tank play when Belle goes-she cries so
easily. She couldn't get to her handkerchief because her
skirt was shammed, and her pocket was on the side next
to her young man, who is very fastidious. She says he
goes in so strong for honesty and uprightness that she
wouldn't dare let him know she wore a sham. I wouldn't
trust that youth. I should be afraid he'd end his career
in Canada. But it was only the other day that I saw a
lady in the deepest of mourning, slowly walking down
Superior street, the very embodiment of dignified grief.
Suddenly she reached for her handkerchief. Turning
aside the heavy veil, and raising the crepe-shrOUded
drapery which overhung her pocket, she disclosed-01-,
horrible-a skirt shammed )vith hideous, glaring grass­green!
\Vhat a mockery it seemed. Poor Sallie turned
her artistic eye and wasted pity in anot"~~ direction,
concluding that the grief that revelkd ir. snch hYi'ocrit­ical
ostentation couldn't be much deer.er than the ple.'t­jngs
on the sham skirt.
I've been awfully amused lately. You see, all the
fashion cranks have been telling us girls, through the
Eastern papers, how to become beautiful and healthy,
that is, to make oUlselves fair and :at without a suspicion
of forty. I'll wager a pair of Cenll:meri kids that these
writers are all men. I wrote down a few of their multi­tudinous
directions, not for use, but for fun. It would
tickle yOll to read them. What would they make of us
poor creatures whose duty it is to be heautiful, though
the heavellS fall? Some of them would make a species
of external vegetarian~.Q.fus-telling us that the sure re­cipe
for Im'eliness is to bathe the face in beet juice and
bind it in lettuce leaves before retiring. Imagine seeking
one's couch in such a pickle. I'm sure old Morpheus
himself wonld be disgusted. Then we must eat lots of
dandelioll greens and fre~h heets, live on lettuce as far
:b pos,ibJe, and Ireat the body to frequent outward ap­plications
of strained cucumher juice. Lettuce, they say,
is a sure cure fo(. pronounced shoulder-blades. Girls,
lettuce keep onr shoulder-hla(les intact rather than try to
fatten on such a murrain of green stnff. Then there are
other wiseacres who recolllmend washes of barley water,
milk-weed juice, plant:\in water, v:\selille, cocoa butter,
apple pomade and oil of poppy seed, besides haths of
ahilond meal and smoking the face over burning myrrh.
These are on Iy a fell' of the numerous prescriptions. \Vith
such a plethora of cure-ails, surely we can all be relieved of
the disease of ngliness. Let us hope that the teachings
of these American Oscar \Vildes may fall on fectile ground.
So, girls, you'll have no excuse for spiky shoulder-blades
and bad complexions next winter if the beet and cucum.
I,er crop holtls au t.
Don't you believe all that these newspaper fashion
sharks tell you. I just read a paragraph from one news­paper
to the effect that ladies preparing to go abroad
always placed lead weights in the hems of their steamer
dresses to prevent their skirts being unpleasantly blown
about by the playful sea-breezes. I laughed a hollow,
bitter laugh as I read it. I had a bite out of that chest­nut
last year. I saw that same paragraph, and as I had
just received an invite, to a yachting.excursion, I thought
myself awfully clever to follow the advice given ahove.
I placed small pieces of lead at equal distances apart in
the hem of my dark-blue" tailor-made," thinking how
nice it would be not to have the winn dislocating the
hang of my skirt, or revealing my ankles, which, to tell
the truth, are cut after the Queen Anne or Roman Antique
pattern rather than like those of a French coryphee. I
went with a nervous young man, a timid, shrinking
creature, but he knew a'lI about yachts. The wind blew.
My companion was teaching me the difference between
the masts and the sheets, when suddenly he turned about
quickly and ordered the boom, or something, lowered.
.. 1 don't see how tlJe blamed thing could have struck
me," I heard him mUller under his breath.
The wind kept on blowing, and I soon came to the
conclusion that my friend was not as good a sailor as he
professed to be, for he seemed very uneasy. He looked
at me in a pitiful, deprecating manner. He stood on one
foot then on the other, until I concluded to watch both
hil feet with the vague idea that that might be the way
the old salts get their .. sea legs" on. But woe is me­what
a sight I saw! That wretched lead had all come
together in one spot, and the wind was making a flail of
my skirt, the bunch oflead fiyin, around wildly, and every
now and then whacklnr that. poor fellow's limbs malt
unmercifully. There he Itood like Casabianca in a Tam.
o-shanler cap. ~e was so pOlite tbat he wCSuldn't han
stirred, thougb he must have been quite black and blue,_
with his thin flannel 5uit and low shoes. No more lead
in mine, thank you. To this day I imagine the poor be­thumped
creature looks reproachfully at me when we
meet, and I know that he gives me a wide berth on the
street, as though he thought my skirts might still be·
loaded.
I had a chance to catch on to something new at one
of the Gilmore concerts last week. Something quite
English, y'know. When the band struck into' the open.
ing strains of the Hallelujah Chorus, Thursday evening,
I noticed a masculine figure rise from one of the front
seats and stand in solitary independence throughout the
entire number. He seemed to enjoy the grand melody
with the ardor of a genuine lover of good music. Upon
inquiry I found that it is a national custom in England
for an audience to stand during the performance of this
chorus, and our friend, who is a prominent local musician
as well as an Englishman, was only paying a Briton's
usual tribute to Handel's glorious harmony.
By the way, weren't the concerts just splendid? The
jolly brass band touched the harmonious spot within me.
At the same time it sort of prepared us for the noisy
Fourth, too. The glorious Fourth! I suppose the small
hoys call it glory-us because it sends so many of them to
glory. Yia toy pistol and Goliath fire-cracker route,
you understand.
\Vhat has become of the amateur opera fiend? We
miss him. \Vas there ever before a season when the
frisky amateur failed to show up in light opera for tbe
henelit of some charitable enterprise? Modern light
opera Lloes not seem well adapted to the requirements of
amateurs, so 1 suppose whe~ they do tackle something
for production, it will be "i\lartha," the" Bohemian
Girl" or, perchance, the perennial c, Pinafore." I al­ways
cacchinate when I remember a performance of
.. I\lartha " given at the Opera lIouse several years ago.
It was a vcry creditable lay-out for non-professionals, but
a funny (onfrdtlJ/P.'- occurred which is worth recalling.
The title-role was taken by one of our best local artists,
and, as was to be expected, she sang charmingly. In
the second act, however, she astonished the audience by
coming on in white stockings. Think of it-a modern
I\larlha in white stockings! \Vhen she emerged from
her dressing-room, a comical scene (b"Mlld the scenes)
occurred.
Her companions of the ensemble implored her not to
attempt such a startling innov<ltion, while I\Irs. Sibley­street,
a well-known society lady and one of the patrons
of the enterprise, hastily seated herself and began wildly
pulling off her own black silk hosiery, beseeching the
young singer to substitute them for the dazzling white
ones. But" I\lartha" was one of these independent,
don't-care-a-snap girls, so she laughed at them until she
grew semi-hysterical. Then she came out and sang her
part so delightfully that the incongrnous hose soon
seemed a small matter for niticism.
But the scene behind the scenes was funny, all the
saIne.
The dear old humbug has come and conquered and
gone again. The scent of the menagerie and the trail
of the sawdust is over us all. Of course I refer to Barnum.
And of course I went to see his show. The circus is
the place for comparisons. As I sat there on the hardest
of seats, I couldn't help think of his former visit to Gleve­land,
and one in particular filled me with inwlWd
chuckles. It was so like Barnum. Perhaps a dozen Qr
more years ago he was ad vertising his show as a gre,t
moral factor, and objection was made from some sour~e
that it c"uldn't be a m. f. as long as the lady riders pey­sisted
in appearing in such extremely short skirts... Vety
well," said the proprietor of the great moral aggregati0f.,
" we will reform all that. Short skirts are an absolu~e
necessity, but 1 will see hereafter that the limbs are def­orously
covered up." And he did. He ordered the la~y
riders to don pantaleltes over their tights, and'
were worn at several places during the season. On. f
these places was Cleveland. The grounds were then
Perry street, just back of Colonel Oliver Payne's row
houses. Oh, what a grin ran around the immense au
tori urn when those preposterous white ruffles appeue
It was too funny for anything. But their reign W
Ihort. Popular prejudice proved too much for this eo
scription of moral armor, and that was the end of t
crusade.
But it was anothWl~I9I.l
man.
What a I:ap wi
dust Icenes fore
IN THE HAMMOCK.
A dainty boot peeps Q'er the edge,
A white hand shows above the netting,
In pillows high the maiden shy
Sleeps on, the busy world forgcuing.
Oh, happy hammock, doubly hlessed
To hold so sweet and rare a burden;
I'll creep up ncar her hand so dear
And take a kiss as royal guerdon.
Across the lawn I softly glide.
At every step I halt and linger,
'Till o'cr the net that holds my pel
[ bend where droops each rose.tipped finger.
How fair she is! Too pure for earth!
My moustache sweeps her slender digits:
She starts and cries-" Those lJlastcll f1ie~
'VuuJd give a very saint the fidgcts!"
CAUSERIE.
My DEAR TOPlcs:-This is the season of the year when
the directory blossoms. If Mr. Annewalt includes in it
all the amateur :lctors of the city and those who have a
yeaqling for theatrical life, he will have to issue it in
two volumes.
You sec them everywhere. On the steets poring over
French's yellow·covered e~lition of the modcrn dmma; on
Thursdays at Van Epl's forming a file and waiting for
the New York dramatic papers. Dudding Juliets peer at
you from the balconies of Prospect street, and future
Rosalillds make signals from the bo,ky depths of Euclid
avenue lawns.
The world seems divided into two parts, those who act
and thosc who wish to.
Ir a census be taken you will find in this classification
a vast feminine majority.
This is not so strange as wuuld appear at the first
glance. Acting is an aClluiremcnt with man but an in­stinct
with wom:\l1.
This is the result of social rather than natural c·auses. It
follows upon the law that possession is a right to man
but n <.:onCCSS10ll to woman. \V hencvcr a 1Iian Wishes
anytllillg he takes it hy hrute force if needs lie. ,"Voman
gains her puint by artifice.
Eve's apple was the only thing she ever got at first
hanl!. Since that time cverythinl; has been handed her
on the salver of chivalry.
\Vhatwasoril;inallyonly an act oi fClliinine expediency,
has heenJ by the descellt of ages, convcrlcd illto a trait
of charactcr. lly its irresistible tendency woman is forced
to act from the crallle to the I;ra ve.
If this is so, you ask, why do so many wumen fail on
thc stage? \Vhy is it not as easy to manipulate thc pup­pets
of the theatrc as thc dolls of the nursery?
That, I confess, staggers the theory I have been pro­pounding,
but let me ask you, did you ever sec a woman
fail so utterly, so irretrievably as 'lilian? There has
heen no feminine Count Johannes, 1Jr. Landis nor James
[hven O'Connor. She has a latcnttheatrical sense which
saves her from that.
All this rambling chat has heen inspired by the state­ment
that A. M. Palmer, of the Madison Square, New
York, has established a school of acting in connection
with his theatre. lJion lloucicault will be the director,
and if he only proves as successful as a teacher as he has
been as actor, author an,l manager for the past half cen­tury,
there can be no (juestion of its ultimate and brill­iant
success.
Cleveland will probahly send a contingent there. If
yuu have a stabe-struck daughte.r do not combat her,
send her there 100. It's the only cure.
An ideal cherished is more bancfnllhan onc shattered.
Only the other day I heard of a lady married to a
charming fellow and as happy as we mortals ever arc.
Yet when a cloud flecks the llomestic sky, she forgets all
and says: "If I had only gone on the stage this never
would have happened."
An exceptional case? No, a sample one.
Clevelanders get scanty recognition at home. They
arc forced to go abmad for it.
We never appreciated "Connie" Woolson's talent
while she was writing here; Otto J3acher stands higher
in London than in Cleveland; people smiled significantly
at one another when Ella Russell went abroa,1 to study
music; and our local base ball talent is not playing in
the home team, but is gaining fame under other pen­nants.
All of which goes to show that a local prophet stands
about as high in the public esteem as a Seneca street
~lairvo,ant.
'1· was reminded of this when I saw how Cleveland
TOWN TOPICS.
talent came to the front at the convention of musician~
at Columbus last week.
Miss Egts play~d; Will Henninge; sang, and composi.
tions by Wilson G. Smith, J. H. Rogers and others occu­pied
a prominent place on the programme. Then Smith
was elected president of the association.
This shows what the musicians think of him.
Smith's reputation as a musician of talent is steadily
growing in the East, where good work is appreciated.
Some day 1 presume we shall awaken to it and do him
tardy justice. His piano compositions are played by
Rive-King, Sherwood, Lavalle and performers of that
rank, and his songs arc great concert favorites. A little
while ago in a list given by some prominent concert
singer of the best ten American songs, I saw the name
of one of Smith's.
Like all genuine musicians Smith has an ideal, and
his strict adherence to it makes his music less popular
than it would otherwise be.
His aim is so high that he frequently shoots over the
heads of the people.
I see my space is almost filled, but spare me a line for
another gifted fellow, Mr. J. H. Rogers.
Strictly speaking, he is not a Cleveland man, but he
has been here so long that we unconsciously regard him
as such.
If he were to devote his attention exclusively to song
writing, with a full recognition of what that action
implies, H.ogers would equal the best foreign composers.
As it is, he has wrillen some charming songs. He has a
fresh and original vein of melody, and it is purely lyrical
in character. IIis songs arc singable before all else.
Lots of taffy this week, you say. Yes, but its' a pleas­ure
once in a while to dip a pen in honey iustead of
vitriol.
Mr. John E. Drew, who is appearing ilt his brother's
Museum this week, is an interesting character aside from
his theatrical talent.
He has been all oyer the world and his adventures and
misadventures would fill a volume. lIe has been ship­wrecked
a number of times; was arrested in England as
a Fenian" suspect, " and has filled all positions from the
lowest to the highest in the theatrical profession.
As a performer, he has a talent that is worlhy of more
serious work. He sings well, dances with a dash and
finish that few have surpassed, and is a genuine come­dian.
SAGE.
MILITARY MENTION.
While rigid exactions in Ihe minutia, of a soldier's camp
life are apt to be irksome, yet there is a way to impress
observance of details so that the pride of the man will be
stimulated, since they embrace many of the clements that
make to the citizen a mihtary life altractive; and, be­sides
there is no questipn but that forms and ceremonies,
great and small, do, in their aggregate, largely affect dis­
·cipline. These faults arc not those of the enlisted men
only, for the example at most camps is not set by the
off,cers.
Conspicuous among these smaller matters arc the fail­ures
of the men to give the tactical military salute; and
of officers to exact it at all times, and to properly return
it.
The proper dress for the day or season is not usually
prescribed by the commanding officer, ·and there is not
un frequently worn by officers a mixture of uniform and
citizen dress, or of a dress only partially that required for
the occasion; or the uniform is not worn as it is intended
to be worn; of course, in the face of this practice, the'
enlisted man is too apt to regulate his own dress accord­ing
y, and it follows that there is much carelessness in
dress. Straw or felt hats arc worn by officers and by en­listed
men; blouses of the men arc worn unbuttoned in
imitation of similar laxity of dress by their officers; trous­ers
of the men are not unfrequently seen rolled on one or
both legs, and the coat or blonse is often soiled or even
very dirty. At so~e camps enlisted men are allowed to
drive in carriages about and through the garrison; and
at some to go on pass in citizen dress.
There is not unfrequently insufltcient weight given by
officers to the effect of their own bearing in the presence
of the men, and not sufficient importance attached to
maintaining at all times dignity of official conduct, and
in extending to the soldier the politeness and patience
due him and demanded of him towards his superiors. A
languid, drooping mien and dragging gait are noticeable
among- men at every camp: The setting up drill should
be insisted upon until an erect figure is assured, and
those marked military defects are removed. More at-tent
ion should be paid to the setting up drill, so as to im.
press upon the enlisted men an erect carriage and sol­dierly
bearing. This, and other failures, some of which
.haye been noticed, combine to affect that marked con.
trast so prominent between the cleanly, well set up, trim
and military looking soldier, the ideal of the military ser
vice of every country, and the average militia man of OUT
own State.
The following is the op1l1ion of an army officer of the
camp of one of the Ohio Infantry regiments, held in
1887, which he attended as an official spectator, sent by
the government:
" The stated roil-caliS, reveille and tattoo, were to say
the least, ragged affairs. The men did ilOt fall in simul­taneously
in all the companies at the sounding of the as.
sembly, but, in many instances that came under my no­tice,
at the seeming convenience of the 1st sergeants.
\Vhen the companies were formed the men presented
anything but a military appearance. They w~re vari­ously
dressed, some in caps, others in helmets or citizens'
hats. I noticed some at the reveille in ·citizens' over­coats;
some in their shirt sleeves. There was no sem­blance
of standing in the position of a soldier; each
stood as seemed mos\(comfortable to himself, and talk­ing
in the ranks was carried on unchecked. I also no­ticed
a number of men deliberately smoking cigars in
ran ks. An officer was generally present at roll-call, but
his presence did not serve to correct the irregularities;
in fact I saw no attempt to do so.
"The discipline of the command was fairly good.
The men were all willing and generally subordinate, but
seemed to think they were licensed to enjoy themselyes
after the work of the day was done. After retreat large
nl'l'lnbers of them left the camp without authority, run­ning
the sentinel's posts, and going to town, three miles
distant, some taking the train, others walking. If there
was any attempt to prevent their leaving camp it was
ignored by them. Guards were sent out nightly in the
direction of the town; on one occasion bringing- back
about two hundred. No punishment followed these
infractions of discipline."
" The signal' extinguish lights' did not seem to have
any meaning to the command; no attention whatever
was paid ty it, and lights Were extingni;hed at the· pleas­ure
of the occupants of the tents. There was a perfect
din of noise in the camp nightly, even as late as mid­night-
shooting, cheering, singing, and marching about
in squads, headed by drummers. There was not an at­tempt
made to secure qUIet at the signal, or to have the
lights extinguished. It was impossible for those of the
command who llesired rest and sleep to obtain them. I
regard this as one of the worst features of the camp. ---il
recommend that all encampments be held where there
arc no outside at:raclions and inaccessible to visitors,
whose presence should be discouraged, as, in my opinion,
beller results would be obtained if the attention of the
troops could be ~iven entirel¥ to military work and less
to social requirements. If it be deemed best that visitors
should have an opportunity to see to the troops in camp,
one day, say that of the review by the governor, might
be named for that purpose.
Some adequate allowance should be made by the St\te
to officers for reimbursement of the expense to which
they arc put in providing themselves with uniform.
Each line o·fficer is obliged to expend from $50 to $7-S,
each field officer from $75 to $100. However capable a
man may be to command a company or regiment, his
acceptance of a position of command must pepeJld on his
pecuniary ability to supply himself with the necessary
uniform. Under the present system regiments and com­panies
are restricted in their choice of officers to those
who have means. The door to honorable promotion is
closed to the poor man.
There should be som';, provision for the immediate dii­charge
of incapable officers. The encampments gi.
each commanding officer opportunity to know his matet­ial.
Let each be called on for a report of incapa!>I.. ;
let these he ordered before a board, and if found ill"cap~.
ble vacate their commissions. \"Iith such material ..as
Ohio has to choose from, its national .i.lIud should be
second to that of no state in the union. Its fault if all
amiable laxity that ermits "the boys" to select their
own commander, however incapable. One yearofl'il:er­ous
action on the part of the authorities wi'll result ill~.
inferior companies giying place -to othe,.; of ~tio.a.'
action.
The Gatling Gun Battery voted, 1l(o.Ilday .~:;..-t~
camp at St. Clair Springs, Mich.
...
AN ODE TO THE 'GATOR.
nv ONE 01' 1IIS DAILV AIHIIRERS.
Oh, scaly varmint of a sunny clime,
1 give thee greeting o'er the barbed wire.
\Vhence comest thou unLo this ribald place,
Where saucy bootblacks pelt thy taper nose,
And serving-maids do pause and rudely scofT
At thy great wealth of red-lined open mouth!
An thou of lineage kin to crocodiles
\Vho stirred the ancient mud in Nile's foul depths,
And mayhap looked on Cleopatra's face,
As Egypfs queen swept down the sullen tide?
If so, how think you CJevcbnd dames compare
\Vith her for whom worJd·conqucrers fOllght ?
Eh. how'! No answer-nol the slightest squirm
Of aye or nay from snout. or jointed tail.
Mayhap my Northern accent harshly grates
Upon thy cars attuned to outhern murlllurs sofl.
Or dost thou lack a wise interpreter?
H so, straight wilt I haste to Billie Eck.,
Thy guardian and foster-parent dear. .
Alas! thou seemst to hear me not at all.
Upon your little wharf you calmly lic,
Half in, half out, the fountains miry pool.
And dost not e'en vouchsafe a friendly wink.
Oh, rouse thee, rouse thee, slimy reptile fair.
And look abroad upon the passing show.
What think'5t thou of our lovely city's Mayor '!
Which fav'rest thou, asphalt or gritty slone?
Dost Ihou believe Foran will run again?
Will L. E. Holden seek our Martin's place?
'ViII Ely. or will Burton reach Ihe House?
And how can Buettner clean the muddy streets
When an the city soap has been used tip?
Sweet orade respond-eh, not a word?
One queslion more, and then I'll hold my peace:
Tell me, oh, ten me. pray, canst tholl not sing
Just one campaign-of-eighteen-forty song?
'VeH, hang it all, thIS snubbing is too much.
But yetI cannot scold thy unconcern,
For thou hast sure my heart voodooed.
All day I eye thee o'er the iron-barred fence.
The pointed pickets Ihrust my buttons ofT
And Slick Ihemselves into my calloused chest,
And still I stand, and sigh, and gaze on thee.
Give me one smile and all will be forgot.
Alack I it is the hour of noon-goad-bye,
I will return anon and mayh3p bring
A defunct cat to soothe Ihy palate's wild ttnreSI,
Till then, dear scaly, let me say adieu.
Cleveland, July 3rd, 1888.
The amateur photographer is to be seen wherever
ortal man can penetrate. The complete outfit of the
tgoing tourist now includes the inevitable neatly-boxed
era, and the tripod doubled up, like a two-foot rule.
lcn Messrs. Gates and Root went abroad last year,
y took with them a complete photographic apparatus,
were well repaid for all the trouble it cost them.
is latter (act is evinced by the remarkably finc coUec­.
«\ of views which they carefully garnered in foreign
, ds. Some of these were taken under somewhat strain­'
t"(i circumstances, but no serious troublc was experienced.
_ he apparatus Wt,s readily recognized by the custom
. 'cers, and with the laconic exclamation, ''Photog-rap/lie,''
assed WIthout further comment. In severat foreign
es strict regulations are in force for the protection of
local photographers. Even here, Yankee ingenuity
s too much for Old World tyranny.
n the shadow of the Coliseum, the tripod was hastily
limbered almost under the nose of an Italian soldier.
-laid on there," cried the military guardian. "Cer­nly,
sir, certainly." There was a sharp click and the
pIe joints of the tripod were folded again. "No pho­raphing
can be done here, gentlemen. It is the law."
ertainly not, signor soldier, not for tpe world.
anks for the warning. Good day." There were
I tual bows, and the Americans trudged off with their
table gallery. The military guardian little dreamed
t in the polite strangers' camera snugl,y reposed an
ellent view of the grand old ruin, taken just as he
'" iled them. That is ahont the way it worked every­ere.
"They did not," said !\Ir. Gates, "take us for
I'man spies in France, nor for French spies in Germany.
erever we went we were treated wi tit COll rtesy, even
ugh the officials were obliged to inform ns that photo­phy
had become a home monopoly. In fact, the
oyances our apparatus caused us were a thousand
es obliterated by the completcness and accuracy of
large number of photographs wc from time to time
t down with our unerring solar l;:atling."
A MUNIFICENT GIFT.
n amusing story is told of an ancient local character
o is noted for bis eccentricities. He has command of
siderable money, and devotes his time to spendinl;: it
dently and to the best advantage. He boards around
In place to place as his whim l;:uides him but some
'e ago he rested contentedly for several mo~ths in the
TOW"N TOPICS.
pleasant hostelry' of a widow. The reason for this unus­nal
degree of satisfaction might have been traced to the
widow's attractive danghter. The ancient gentleman
fancied he was deeply in love with her, and showed his
affection by lavishing nnmerous attentions upon her.
lie invited her to the theatre, to concerts, and even to
the circus. While the damsel liked to go well enongh,
she didn't particularly appreciate her escort. In fact,
there was a youth of somewhere near her own age whom
shc \\"t)uld gladly have exchanged for her campaign-of­1840
beau. But sbe was a sensible girl and she went
every time she was invited. This would have been
myrrh and honey for the old gentleman if it hadn't been
for one drawback. That before-mentioned youth got in
the habit of suddenly appearing at the close of each per­formance,
and walking home with them. It became a
regular thing, and the old man gnashed his celluloid
teeth in sullen rage. One night the young man actually
had the effrontery to walk up to the young lady, offer
her his arm, and with a brief "pray excnse us" lead
ma'mselle away into the impenetrable shades of night.
Then the old man was mad. lie pranced to his board­ing-
house, mullerinl;: "revenge" at every step. Up to
his room he went, his soul filled with wormwood and
l;:all. He flung himself into a chair and strove to layout
some horrid scheme of venl;:ence. Venl;:ence on the pair
who had wronl;:ed him, vengence on everybody! What
could he do to strike terro~ to their hearts? He looked
about the room, he looked up at the old fashioned six­burner
chandelier, and the answer came. He hopped
on to a chair, lighted every blessed burner, and turned
each one on full blast. It was a shocking thing to do,
but the old man was beside himsclf with rage. Gas was
then $2.00 a thousand. "I'll get even with her," he
hoarsely muttered, "I'll break up her mother. I'll
make a pauper of her. I'll teach 'em what it is to triAe
with a desperate man.". Then he went to bed lcaving
all the l;:as turned on. The next day he changed his
boardinl;:-place. His dream of love was over.
But he fell in love agailt only a few weeks after the
six-burner tragedy. Deeply and desperately tllis time.
The object of his affections never learned the cxtent of
his passion, and he was content most of the time to adore
her from the other side of the dining-table.. She was a
school teacher and when the summer vacation came she
went to the Massachusells coast for a month of sea
breeze exhileration. Thither the ancient adorer pres­ently
followed her. He came <Iown suddenly, and kept
her in the hotel parlor (or a whole afternoon trying to
entertain him. 'Vhen evening came, however, he suC!­denly
announced that he must be going-goinl;: back to
Boston. She entered a feeble protest which he cut short
by suddenly producing from his coat-tail pocket a nar­row
white box. "Take this with my compliments," he
stammered. "I brought it from Cleveland (or you. I
hope It will remind you of me a lit,tle sometimes. Take
it," he added with a great burst of feeling, "take It and
may you be happy!" Then he wrung her hand effu­sively
and was gone. She hurried to her room and with
trembling fingers opened the precious white box.
It contained three cakes of scented soap.
Prominent among eligible bachelors is Mr. David
Morison, a Cleveland boy of the vintal;:e of '48, and one
of the popular men o( our town. After a course in
Oberlin College, he turned his attention to business, and
his manal;:ement of the lar~e property interests under his
care proved very successful. From 1877 to 1886 he rep­resented
his waHl in the Council, serving One tenn as
presidcnt of that body. For three years he was a mem­~
er of the Board of Improvemenls and, last fall, he was
elected to thc State Senate from the Cleveland district.
Mr. r.lorison is a genial, affahle gentleman who shares
his handsome new residence at 866 Prospect street with
his sisters. His l;:reat hohby is a (riendly game of
"Ilearts" and, after that, his party fealty. Of course,
he is a Republican.
Congressman Foran may be put down as a candidate
for renomination. In an interview in the Prt!Ss of Thurs­day
he pleads lack of re'muneration as a drawback, a'nd
says that he cannot afford to accept the place. As a
matter of fact, the number of lawyers who earn from
$5,000 to $8,000 is rather small and to the ordinary ob­suver
Mr. Foran's plea would seem of little moment.
If he is nominated at all, he will be elected by the votes
of RepUblicans who can see the advantal;:e of having a
Randall Democrat in the house. 'But Mr. Foran's
strength, after the nomination, is his weakness before
the nomination, and it may be set down as a foregone
conclusion that no one, not in sympathy with the admin­istration,
will receive the Democratic nomination (or
Congress in this district.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN 1988.
Ln,,~'cr-" r.lay it please thc Court, I want to read an
affidavit or lvvo."
The Cnurt-" Well, fire ahead, but don't monkey
around, 'cause I've l;:ot to see thai ball match to·day, or
bnst, and the Court aint again' to bust, not if she knows
herself, and I think she do."
Lawyer-" I wish to state in this affidavit that the
Court erred in-"
Judge-"The -- you say! You must think I'm a
chump, to allow you to file such an affidavit."
Lawyer-" But, if it please the ourt, I heard the
Court express an opinion on the-"
Judgc-" Dry up, now, that'll do. You lawyers are
l;:ettinl;: too smart to live. I'll have to jug some of.you
to keep you at a proper distance. Of course, I will not
allow you to file any such affidavit. Why, if I did, I'd
stultify myself. I've taken counsel on this question:and
my colleagues are al;:reed that this thing must st6p. I
order the papers stricken (rom the files and thrown into
the sewer! And [ want it distinctly understood that this
Court is the sole judge of its own official condnct. If
you don't like it you can do the other thing_ Close the
court, Mr. Sheriff, and send a bailiff out to stop the driver
of the next street car 1"
That was a remarkable game of base ball played at
Hudson, Wednesday. The victorious nine were all I'ul­leI'S
and they have never been beaten as a team. Mr.
S. A. Fuller, President of the Union Rolling Mill Co.,
played a capital first base, with his sons W. Fuller, A.
A. Fuller, II. A. Fuller and S. A. Fuller, Jr. at 2nd base,
3rd base and as pilcher and catcher respectively. Mr.
T. F. Fuller played short stop, Mr. . H. Fuller left field,
Mr. R. J. Fuller center field and Mr. Harold Fuller right
field. The Fullers scored t2 runs to their opponents' 5.
Major \Vill;am Kaufmann, of the Allzeiger, is very much
disgruntled ovcr certain planks in the Republican plat­form.
It is the" free whiskey" outlook which is disturb­ing
the Major. He finds in this a menace to one of the
stoutest bulwarks of German prosperity-the foaming
beverage of Gambrinus.
Mr. J. M. Curtis, the South Side Horatius of the Bridge,
thinks thc President would be fully justified in alluding
to the completion of the Central Viaduct in his next
ThankSl;:iving proclamation.
The Rev. L. C. Rogers, of ;\1enominee, Mich., who is
spending a few weeks with friends in this cily, will con­duct
the services in 5t. Mary's Episcopal Church to­morrow.
The market value of a lion is said to be $1,000; of a
til;:er $1,200; of a lively monkey $15. The price of the
ordinary tennis freak is not given.
The 'Vhiton-'Vatson wcdding took placc Tuesday, in
the presence of the nearest relatives of the contractIng
parties.
"Housekeepinl;: Made Easy" is thc title of a new
book. The best way to make housekeeping easy is to
board.
r.lr. and MIS. J. 11. 'Vade, Jr., gave a coachinl;: party to
Little r.lountain on Tuesday, returninl;: on Thursday.
r,lrs. J, B. Zerbe en tertained a company of friends at
her residence in Collamer, 'Vednesday.
Mr. F. E. Rittman sails for America, next \Vednesday"
in the new Lloyd steamer Lahn.
There is a street of ten houses in the East End which
can boast of seven widows.
Miss Rust gave a dancing party, Mondayeveninl;:.
Mr. Edgar Hill gave a drive whist on Thursday.
Mr. F. H. Tompkins is in the city.
Pield.
Rats!
Good game to to·day, new umpire!
Salmagundi-Oskosh game is off.
They say that Flehatry's hngers are all thumbs.
Jim Oulihan couldn't hit a bale of hay with a fence
rail.
The game here ye>terday was a very listless and unin-teresting
affair ,1' '" i, .' '" only three men were
carried from the field-Oil/aha Prevaricator.
Manager Cooly, of the Rustic Ramblers, being short of
funds has pawned 1st baseman 'Neston, and right fielder
Filz;;crald.-Oskosh Budget.
lie uught to redeem them soon, they are valuable
llIen. -11,')'secd I·Varbia.
\Vei,heer and Saurcrout, the famous Pretzel Battery of
the AII/,.'rimll Association, will join their club in a few
days. .
Ed. Swecncy is fnlding thc ball in great shapc, in yes­terday's
gallic he socked the horse-hide away out to left
pasture lan,l for thrce bags.
Steve Gilhooly of last year's home team has thrown
his arm 'way 'round to the back of his neck. Steve
expects to lie laid off for the rest of the seaSon.
- The (llllilha jJugllfls/ic says: "Buck Fleharty is the
boss kicker of the J{usticvilles; in last weeks game Buck
jUlllped onto the ncw umpire with both feet; keep it up,
Buck!" We are glad to sec that our esteemed contem­purary
recognizes and encourages native ability.
Si. Buncombe, thc ex-phenom. of last season's" Hay·
seed Greens" received but three scattering hits yesterday,
in a ruugh.and-tumble fight at Mulcahey's.
The unifurm of the home club this season will consist
chieflly of mosquito netting-there wont be any flies on
the buys this ycar.-lIflys<·ed. Glad to hear it, they
drew worse than fly-paper when they played here.
The famous" i\llIgwllmps" have disbanded, and the
men :HC for sale al greatly red uced rates in job lots.
Pitcher Krum, the he;t twirler in leaglle, being slightly
worn and sl)iled, owing to last season's work, has been
marked down from $500 to $350, this is the greatest bar·
gain of the year.
There is a leIter at this office for Ted Williams, the
professiollal "Jonah."
Four of the old RlIsticvilies were ranled off at Flanni­gan's
last night. i\1:lllager Smith should have auctioned
thelll.-I\III"II/a~"o 11"lJdo. Think so? Sorry we can't
please YOIl .. Call again and we'll see what we can do for
yOll, ta! til!
Chawser, Grassdalc's first baseman, swallowed his
daily alluwance of tohacco while making a desperate
slille for second, last week,-he reached the base in
sqfety, but diell at home. (See funeral announcements
on 3rd page).
They say that the" Allburnhairs" are hustling to find
a white horse suitable for a mascot.
"Ice·wagon" Jones, and" Turtle" Bill lIart are go­ing
to run a hundred yard foot·race for the championshIp
of the League and a straw hat.-Gras.rdfl/~ Flapjack.
Pretty good! but by the time Jones and Hart have
reached the goal, straw hats will have gone out of sea·
son!
JOURNALISTS AT THE BAT.
The long-expected and long-dreaded game of base ball
between nines made up from the ranks of local journal­ism
is at last to take place. The time fixed upon is next
''Jednesday, and the place the; Association Grounds.
The causes which have prevented an earlier consumma­tion
of this contest are many. \Vith each of the one
hundred members of the Press Club clamorous for the
fray, it was no easy task to select the eighteen ae~ual
particil~ants. 'Vhen the names of the fortunate men
were suggested a feeling of soreness was distinctly ob­servable
among the eighty-two who were passed by. It
is thought, however, that the soreness of the eighty-two
at this time will scarcely erlnal the soreness of the eigh­teen
later on in the w~ck.
The enthusia~tic deman,1 for positions on the nines
was in fact so stong that it required all the efforts of
Master of Ceremonies Brunell to soothe the disappointed
ones. " Gentlemen," he said, "if you cannot all be
players, and under the present faulty rules of the game
this seems to be a physical impossibility, you can at
least be substitutes. My private opinion is that each
one of you will be needed before the gnme is over."
The action of the late Methodist Conference in decid­ing
that .there was nothing reprehensible about base ball
liS a gJme, \Indoubtedly had much weight with the jour-
TOWN TOl-'ICS.
nalists. It incited them to fresh efforts to bring about
an amicable compromise between the aspirants for arenic
fame, and thus efforts have just been crowned with suc·
cess. An informal meeting was held in the Press Club
rooms a day or two ago, and all personal differences were
finally swept away by a great wave of uncontrollable
enthusiasm: President Henderson again briefly stated
the object of the proposed game, and called for indivicl­ual
opinions. Mr. Brunell gave a list of necessary arti·
cles whieh would be required to make the game a suc·
cess, and, in order to open the discussion, suggested that
they be at once contracted for.
Mr. Weidenthal observed that he noticed in the list of
properties a mask. He begged leave to ask the use of
the article. Mr. Brunell briefly explained that it was
designed as a protection for the cntcher. Mr. Tello
entered a vigorous protest. He said he was decidedly
opposed to protection. He considered it directly can·
trary to the spirit of our boasted institutions.
Mr. Henderson agreed with Mr. Tello. He had no·
thing to say against the spirit as n spirit, but he consid­ered
it a decidedly improper medium for the perpetuation
of a great wrong. He thought this nation drank the cup
of humiliation down to the very lees. Mr. Robertson
said he thought it was wrong to introduce the name of
any religious teacher into a meeting of such nn informal
character. If the thing was persisted in, he felt called
upon to say a few words regnrding Christian Science.
Mr. Covert cordially seconded the remarks of Mr. Rob­ertson.
His own experience--
Mr. Salen interrupted the gentleman. He called atten­tion
to the fact that a base· ball game was supposed to be
under discussion. He added that he noticed that Mr.
Brunell recommended the use of horse·hide gloves. lie
could not fully agree with the gentleman. For his own
part, he felt that he owed much of his success to kids.
Mr. Greeves said he deprecated the necessity of resort·
ing to anarchy. He was just as quick as any man to
resent an affront, but he felt that th'i, was certainly not
the occasion for overturning society.
Mr. Brunell explained that he had made no allusion to
anarchy. The gentleman had misunderstood him. The ~
article referred to was arnica.
Mr. Covert observed that Mr. B;unell had ·cordially
alluded to the virtues of vaseline. lie was not acquaint·
ed with the article, but wns led to suppose that it was an
oily substance. He didn't know but what there were
other oils just as efficacious. For his own part he felt
that he could conscientiously call attention to the millly
attractions of the St. Lawrence i'les. [Grent confusion
and loud cries of .. order."]
Mr. Rosenberg said that he considered that his pres­ence
in the meeting was no longer necessary. He saw
that it would prove a bootless affair. [More confusion
and cries of .. order."] The chairman prevailed upon
Mr. Rosen berg to reconsider his determination.
Mr. Doty called attention to the fact that Mr. Brunell
hnd mentioned a .. coach" ns a prime necessity. He
wanted to know why an omnibus wouldn't do just as well.
I-Ie added that the presidential campaign year necessitat­ed
a strict eeonomy in all directions.
Mr. Brunell explained that he referred to a human
U coach."
Mr. Sam Williams snid that even this expense might
be avoided. It was true the club had no 'coach, but it
did hnve a Karr. Great confusion ensued, followed by
a wild rush for the door. When order was at length re­stored
the members showed a feverish eagerness to pro­ceed
with the arrangements and get away as soon as pos­sible.
A special committee was hastily appointed to se·
cure an umpire and an ambulance. Another committee
is to arrange for accident insurance policies at the lowest
living rates-if the death rate is found to be no lower.
Still another committee will attend to tr:lI1sportation to
the ground j transportation from the ground being left in
the hands of the ambulance committee. After these com­mittees
were selected, nine journalists were picked out to
represent the dailies, and nine more to represent the
weeklies. It was unanimously decided that it would
not, in view of the high feeling on the subject, be good
policy-" 4-11-44," as a West Side writer expressed it­to
give the names of the gifted eighteen. It will be a
great game, nevertheless. Thers is always an open field
for brilliant journalistic errorts, and the ball field will
prove no exception to the rule. It will be a game fraugh t
with the wildest po.sibilities of the national pastime. A
game in which the Unexpected will violently collide with
the Indescribable. A game where the Unimagjned will
slide in over the home plate of the Ideal. In short, a
game worth going miles to see.
The story of this Titanic conflict will necessarily be
reserved for a later issue.
5
MUSICAL MELANGE.
Miss Juliet Corden, who was heard here with the Bos­tonians
in the spring, gave a concert on last Tuesday
evening. Her voice is fully as well adapted for the can.
cert as the operatic stage and she maintained the favor­able
impression which she first created. She was assisted
by Mr. Fred Sholes and the Mandoline Club.
There is talk of a musical festival here in the Fall, to
celebrate the centennial of the State, and Gus Hartz, of
the Opera I~Iouse has been asked to take charge of it. He
will do so if a guaran tee fund sufficient to cover his ex..
peuses is raised, and he will then turn over all the profits
to the varions hospitals of the city.
Mis~ Ella Mansfield, who formerly lived in this city,
gave a song recital on last Monday evening. She has
been studying in New York for the past year or so, and
her voice shows much improvement. She always sal}g
with taste and feeling and now she adds a refined style
to these qualities.------
Miss Marie Egis had an enthusiastic reception at
Columbus, and the general verdict was that she eclipsed
Miss Neally Stevens, the celebrated Chicago pianist.
Mr. Otto Engwersen was very warmly praised by the
papers and the assembled musicians for his singing at
the Columbus meeting, last week. '
The pleasant voice an:! artistic method of Mr. Will
Henniges won him much applause at Columbus, last
week.
COMING ATTRACTIONS.
Brander Matthews in this month's Century, has an in­genious
story the scene of which is laid in a cyclorama.
When you read it, if you have never seen Ol1e of these
huge pictures, you will start off at once. If you have_
been, you will recognize immediately ihe skill with which
he has described it and you will want to go again. The
hot summer days do not effect the attendance at the
Cyclorama here. Its ventilation is perfect, and to make
it doubly cool Mr. Butler has put in a new cooling ap­paratus
that works to a charm:
The Eden Musee has provided one of the most popular
attractions that the Dime Museum has ever had. The
figures which are on exhibition are not only interestinc
in subject but they are so well executed tbat they have
a positive artistic value. They are certainly the finest
ever seen here. Manager Drew is so well pleased wit~
their drawing power that he will retain them for nellt
week when, in conjunction with the entertaining stage
shows, they form a most attractive exhibit:-___________ '
The Columbia Roof Garden is drawing a large 'alfi!nd­ance,
and those who once visilthe place are sure~to '!io
so again. The music is of a high ordc;r of merit, the reo
freshmen ts are of the best, and no better place is afforded
the residents of the central part of the city for pleasantly
spending an evening than the Columbia Garden.
TOO LATE.
A firm in Philadelphia has sent out the following
peculiar circular, addressed to all the editors in the.
country:-
",We purpose publishing a complete index of the var·
ious writers'. who contribute verse to the periodic:~s
throughout the United States. We are prepared to olfel'
you fifty cents per hundred for tbe names and addrcssea
in full of all authors who submit poetry for your consld·
eration, whet1:.er the same be accepted or rejected. Co...•
pIeted addresses must in all cases accompany the same., <
It is a little late in the season to fill out the list de­sired.
If this request had come during the bud.dID.
Spring-time, fifty cents a hundred would have nen a'
neat sum. As it is, the TOPICS editor is constralaed, ~o(
say thnt the stipend offered is no object whatever. (~.p. ,
ty waste-baskets ane paper·rag ",arehouses tell' -~ are~.·
~.. J. .•"':' - . -.;
Public opinion is rapidly taking the side of faimeS$ .J;
against the arbitrary demands of unionism. The Clev.e­land
Baking Co. saw fit, ~e other day, to employ a nOn-­union
baker, and forthwith all the unior.. employes i~it,
work. Wbat if the landlords combined to refuse .liil er
to a union man? What if the grocer took a hand i he
boycott and declined to sell him the neeessaries.o. ~ ?
A union for mutual aid is a good thing, but a un~
extortion and bossism-whether of empIoyel'$ .or ~ai.
ployes-is a thing to be condemned' by every falr-miiule4 .
American.
(3
BV MRS. L. S. GOOn\\'IN.
" Will you grant me a few moments in private?"
The young man asking this favor was troubled with
shortness of the breath from heart·disease, the peculiar,
harmless type of which will shortly appear.
"Certainly, Mr. Forbes, if, it is important. Leonard,
you may leave the counting-room till you are called."
The clerk obeyed, and closing the door behind him, left
Jude Mambout, Esq., bachelor, and young Ernest Forhes
by themselves.
The latter cleared his throat thrice, but never a word
fol1owed; while his aspect was of one relapsing into moon­struclmess.
Finally the person with whom he had professed
to have business, said with characteristic promptness of
manner:
" Well, sir?"
"Mr. Marabout,"-symptoms of another attack-" I­I
am deeply interested in your ward and niece-niece and
ward-Miss Alicine Wheatley. I beg leavc to address
her."
"Yes, Sir. \Vell sir. Your request is not by any means
,are and extraordinary as to have startled me, nor need
. have disconcerted yourself about it. You are, in fact,
H, r one of a class-a class, I am free to say, already large
enough. However." The bachelor considered a moment,
while the youth stood before him like an unlucky trout
deposited on the shore of its native brook.
"I have good reasons for doubting," Mr. Mambout re­sumed,
"whether Miss Alicine wants a lover. She is ae­customed
very frankly to make known her wishes to me, ,
and I really have never understood her as intimating that
a lover was among the things essential to her happiness."
"Oh, sir, you are too sarcastic. You were never in
love, I suppose."
" Which is but another form of saying that I have never
brollen any. woman's heart, nor broken my heart for any
woman. You can judge what view I take of marriage.
Vet in spite of that, marrying and giving in marriage will
doubtless continue to the end of time. It is a sacrifice
each generation makes for the generati"n that is to come
after. Perhaps by way of discipline to an individual,
'lthing could be better than marriage. In your own
ISe, young man, I sympathize with you, and will pr,ove
:."
"He thinks me very needy of discipline," said the
, .ung m:.n aside. "Thank you-thank you i" he ex­aimed.
" Sir, you are very good."
"No doubt. Well, Mr. Forbes, you 'lI1d my niece are
h .th very young; there is no call for haste; but you have
y permission to woo and win her if you can."
II Thanks," reiterated the ecstatie youth. "Believe
.e, sir, I am deeply grateful for your condescension,"
lwing low and retreating toward the door.
"Stop, sir. This maller may have reached a satisfac­_,
ry issue on your part; on mine, however, there is some­thing
more."
The applicant, considerably set abaft, came slowly for-
"ard again.
" I beg your pardon, sir. I feared I was encroach ing
'0 much on your time."
"Vour father," pursued lIfr. Mambout, without notic­"'
g tbe apology, "I knew well. We were classmates and
. ' iends; we started business in partnership. It might
)1>1ve been better for me had the partnership continued;
for your father, though dying wheu he had hardly arrived
,t middle life, amassed, so 1 have been informed, a very
I andsome fortune."
"To which I am sale heir. Yes, sir, if this were not
l.le case-if I had not the means to support a wife, 1 as­are
you, sir, I should never ,,__
.. Of course-of course. Young people are proverbially
:'lOugbtful and conscientious in these mailers. My allu-on
to your father was simply in explanation of the readi­ness
with whicb I have entertained your proposal-hav.
'Ig denied a score like it. I have a condition to impose,
".y friend; if you accept it, our business is really set­\
ed."
"I am sure you have but to name it sir."
" Hum. I will proceed to do that. It is, that first or
!..t, you shall never during ybur courtship, kiss my
"ieee. 1t
'
~ "Oh, sirl" protested the young man, blushing up to
f Ite eyes, "I should not think of presuming-indeed by
to. means." - .
_. i "Ah, very well. I am glad you find the condition so
I • ely adapted to your style. Kissing is bad business;
belo~iS to our fallen state. \Ve have no account of
lissing previous to the sin of our first parents and their
lo~sequent expulsioll frolll I'aradi,,·. 1\'.,. But with that
TOWN TOPICS.
which brought death into the world, anll all our woe, as
Milton has it, cdme this more than doubtful practice.
Whether we go back to Bible time~, or search within the
limits of our own observation, we find plenty of examples
directly associating kissing with some of the worst crimes
and most awful sufferings )Yhich man can inflict or endure.
Beyond Cjuestion, kissing is responsible for one-half, at
least, of the wrong doing and misery prevalent in society.
I understand you to agree to the condition, eh ?"
"I agree," stammered the youth, with a succession of
visihle twinges.
"And remember, sir, so sure as you fail of your bar­gain,
so sure you forfeit my favor. In case you are fully
aware of the degree of inlluence I possess over Miss
Alicine, you will understand what that implies. She
never yet has disarranged my slightest wish, or acted in a
maller of any importance without my express approbation.
When she gets a husband-ir the time ever comes-my
authority ceases. No sooner. And I can safely promise
you, that should you be led to commit this lover's folly,
though it were on the very morning of your marriage day,
you would lose Miss Alicine forever."
" 1I0w in the world is he going to know it 1" gravely
questioned the young man wilh himself. "Has he as
many eyes as Argus? Is it likely 111 iss Alicine would tell
him herself?"
"The young lady," said her uncle-Ernest started at
tbe directness with which he responded to his thought­"
must know nothing at all of the matter. I am as much
in earnest on thi~ point as the other. If now you are sat­isfied,
well, so am I. This is all."
The same evening he went to call upon the young lady
who had captivated him, body, soul and spirit. It was
very probable for the best interests of his suit, though he
by no means could see it in that light, that Ernest found
himself obliged to forego the delivery of some fine set
speeches which he had prepared for the occasion. Miss
Alicine was already entertaining company. A young
couple, acquaintances of his, full of pleasant chat, they
made room for him cordially, nor 6uspected how their
presence, though chilling at first, quickly relieved him of
all natural embarrassment incident to the time and place,
and toned down his fevered pulses like quinine, enabling
him to act himself without restraint-a decided improve­ment
on wliat he had contemplated.
Time passed, and Ernest was Alicine's acknowledged
lover. lIe was the happiest of men, and the most miser­able
at times. lIe ~c::ld not stay apart fran> the beloved,
and in her presence the fear of transgressing her uncle's
edict clung to him always, till he seemed to himself the
pony in the ring ridden by a bear, only that the pony in
the ring has a cushion to save his flesh from the sharp
claws, and he had none.
Mr. Marabout-whom Alicine's lips were ever opened
to praise, though Ernest confessed to himself his inability
to see the point-obtruded as much of his presence as pos­sible,
doubtless to see his prohibition attended to; which
ought to have been very flattering to the young man, as
it proved conclusively that he was not anxious to cut off
his prospects, but contrariwise. The lover often exper­ienced
a kind of thankfulness when it was over, but oftener
at the time in his secret heart called the guardian an old
gorilla, and wished he had a millstone around his neck
and were sunk in fifty fathoms of ocean depth. From time
to time the old gorilla gave his amiable young friend a
delicate reminder of what he had undertaken and the cer­tain
conseq uences of a fail ure; so that the latter was com­pelled
to feel that his interdiction, however absurd, was
no joke.
Mr. Marabout disallowed late hours, so Alicine obeyed
unquestioning, as usual. In everything, herloversaw that
what her guardian had said respecting his influence over
his niece was no vain boast. It was sufficiently vexatious
to see how entirely she believed in him; and the young
man often, in the spirit if not in the letter, shook his fist
behind the merchant's broadcloth, muttering to himself,
.. This isn't to last forever, you intollerant," and so forth.
Intollemnt! Why, his ward was continually calling him
the dear, indulgent creature, and wishing he was her
father instead of. only his hall-brother.
Lest his Argus eyes might not be sufficient, Mr. Mar.
about contrived to bring in an unconscious assistant. Eva
Glenn had always been Alicine's most intimate friend, a
fact which had never interested him before; but now he
had been several times heard to ~sk, even urge her to
cohle oftener-eome every evening-Alicine did not like
being alone. As if Ernest Forbes would not see to that.
Strang-e to relate, the bachelor, beginning to be called
crusty abroad, who had long eschewed society as evil,
grew suddenly very fond of it, and wherever they went,
he always insisted on Alicine's friend making the fOttrlh.
He should not stay long, ,he would say, and Alicine would
want her company home-he should corne home early­so
he always said, but never did.
Young Forbes had been out of town a week, and on
the first evening of his return, hastened to the home of
his betrothed. By rare good fortune he found Alicine
alone. Neither Miss Glenn nor Mr. Marabout, with his
terrible evil eye veiled hy the most benignant exterior,
were to be seen. Still Ernest was forced to feel that
Allie's guardian, though invisible, was not really· absent;
but might :.t any time start out of the wall or up from the
cushion of his ann-chair. He had the fear of him con­stantly
before his eyes, operating as a restraint only sec­ond
in power to that gentleman's actual presence.
" I think Mr. Marahout could not .have known of my
return," remarked lhe visitor, with a shrug too slight to
be ohserved by eyes so unsuspecting.
"No, indeed," was Alicine's innocent reply," or he
would have been here to welcome you. Dear guardian,
what an interest he takes in our affairs, and he an old
bachelor, yon know."
.. And how is Miss Eva 1" said the yonng man.
" I declare, l'vc not seen her this whole day. I have
not been out, for the reason that I felt every moment that
you, Ernest, would be here. I sent word by EV:l's little
hroth cr as he passed from school, that she must be sure
and come to see me to-night; but he said he heard her
tell her mother she was going to the Sanitary Fair. I went
yesterday. Uncle Jude-I do not know where he is; at
tea, he said business would take him away for the evening
and I must make myself as happy as I could. You see b~
thought I was to be alone. Oh, I must tell you, uncle
has admilled me into such a seeret,-the secret of his
life. I know now why he never married."
"Faint heart," suggested Ernest, laughing.
.. You have guessed it. But, 0 Ernest, it isn't a bit
funny-the story-it's sad. It seems he love,l my mother
once, and it does not seem that she did not love him.
His mother, when his father married her, was a widow
with one lillIe son, Paul, his father. When Paul was
four years old, Jude waS born. The children were fondly
attached to one another, my uncle says, and were half­grown
men before they ever suspected that they were nbt
own brothers. And when one day an officious neighbor
told them, and they ran home and ill<luired of their moth­er
and found it was so, great boys as they were, they
threw their arIDS round one another's neck and cried bit­erl)".
"About that time, my mother, a little girl near the
age of Uncle Jude, was adopted into the family. Her
mother had died, and her father, who was an artist, went
to reside at Rome. Uncle says she was very beautiful,
and very sweet-tempered, and soon hecame the idol of the
house-hold. A year or two passed, and Celia was sent
away to school, and for weeks they were '1uite wretched
without her. She and the two hays met only at vacrt­tions,
which she always spent at home.
"Up to this time there had been no thought of jeal­ousy
between the brothers. Now they were no longer
satisfied with their evenings together, or with walking, or
ridlllg, or rowing in joint companionship; hut each cov­e~
ed her society all to himself. These feelings grew as
the years went by, until at length their mutual affection
was diminished and they felt themselves to be rivals.
Celia, said my uncle, liked them both, nor had ever exhi­bited
any preference; so each cherished his hope of win­ning
her finally, and neither durst venture on hastening
her decision.
.. She came home at last, her school-days over. But
there was no more happy childhood for any of them.
The young men regarded each other with feelings almost
of hatred, and both were as glad as they once had been
sorry, that their relationship was not closer.
"Jt happened not long after Celia's return, that Paul
was suddenly called away on business, to be ahsent a
week, and Jude determined before the time expired to
make my mother a formal offer of his hand. Anxiety for
his success led him, however, to defer the question as
long as possiJ,le. So happy had he felt in her undivided
society, he could almost be content with matters as they
were always, provided his brother would be always ab­sent.
"Jt was the afternoon of the day on which Paul was
expected back in the evening. Jude came into the house
and inquired for Celia. She had gone out down the
river path, which was a favorite walk of theirs. He said
to himself that this was a favorable beginning, and instantly
followed. Along the river bank was a thin strip of woods.
As he entered it he caught glimpses of the object of his
search close by the river, leaning abstractedly against a
tree, her hat depending by its strings from her arm like a
hanging hasket, a"d draped with wild vines to the ground
wi'" n"wprs stretching over the sides 10 look after them.
This is just my uncle's description, and isn't there con·
siderable romance about him, after all?
"At the same moment of seeing Celia, my uncle caught
sight of his brother crossing the shallow river on stepping­stones,
direct]y opposite where she' stood. There could
have been no concert in the meeting between, them; she
was looking another way, and they did not discover one
another till Paul was almost over. It was not the direc­tion
any more than it was the hour, in which he was ex·
pected to arrive.
"When he saw my mother he gained her side at a sin­gle
bound;and in the joyful surprise of meeting her thus,
ventured on what he otherwise would not,-he canght
her in his arms and kissed her.
"'There!' he cried, his fine voice tremulous with emo­tion,
• for five long years I have stood too much in awe of
you to kiss you. I have kissed you, have I offended you,
Celia? '
"She dropped her eyes, blushing, and only replied hy a
gentle inquiry after his welfare, Duubtless my father feit
that that moment helrl the crisis of his fate; and he suf­fered
it not to pass without fully declarin~ ilis I..ve and
winning a promise that she woulll he his bride. Anti
concealed from their view, yet so near as to walch every
look and heal' every word, was that other, my uncle, who
had loved her none the less. ()n the spot he made a vow
that he would never kiss any woman. And isn't it strang-e,
Ernest, though he pets me so, he never kIsses me,-never.
I "m glad the oath did not forhid any woman to kiss him;
for I could never slcep again unless I regularly kissed him
good-nigh t, dear soul."
"That evc'ling," Alicinc resumed, "my unde met my
mother in the garden. She was looking pale and unusu·
ally discomposed. lIe began to bi,l her farewcll, for hc
had determined to go away the next morning, when she
burst into tears, saying;-
" 'I see you know all. I must have heen heside myself
to.day. I was surprised and hewildered, and knew not
what I ,lid.'
"Thinking, then, my uncle says, that his happiness
and hers were one, he endeavored in the most persuasive
terms, to induce her to change hcr decision in favor of my
father; but she only answered that she should not break
her engagement. She was firm, and the hope that had
fla!hed on my uncle's heart for a moment, as speedily
perished. They parted there, never to meet again in this
world. My uncle sailed immediately for Europe, and
was absent two years.
.. At the end of that time I was born. Two days after­ward
my father was thrown from a carriaf:e and killed on
the spot. My mother never recovered from the shock
his death occasioned. \Vhen my l\ncle arrived, for he
'had hastened home as soon as he heard the tidings. she
was dead. He receiver! her message, which was, that
she had always loved him with more than sisterly afTec­tion,
and dying commended her daughter to his care.
"My poor uncle," added Alicine, after a pausc, and
wiping her tearful eyes, "how little I thought such an
expcrience had been his."
Her lover was silent, for his vows were still upon him;
but he went away with a tenderer fceling toward the
bachelor guardian, and more respect for his pecnliarities.
One evening they attended a party. Mr. Marabout
appeared to enjoy the occaSion no less than his younger
friends. Ernest and Eva had just concluded a set; he
led her out and seated her in a nook of the can set vatory
)"hile he went to procure for her a glass of cool :emonade.
rres(ntly returnillg, he sat beside her, while the deep
shadows of a group of camelias fell upon the Oeecy white­ness
of her robe; she sipped the refreshing beverage, by.
and-by asking in a whisper :-
" Did Allie ever know of our attending the fair to­gether
?"
"What? " he inquired, at no little loss as to her mean­ing,
th'tnking perhaps he I"id not understood.
At the sound of his voice she started, and f[uestioned,
laughing as though at a foolish fear:­U
It is you, Jnde, isn't it? II
.. Allie!" he articulated.
u No, it is your Eva."
At that instant Mr. Marahout came up, his niece on his
arm. She had followed Ernest back to the parlors, but
missing him, returned with her uncle to the conservatory
to find her place thus occupied.
" You must have been pilfering all the color from those
roses," said she to Eva. "Blushing s'o? I declare I'm
quite jealous of you and Ernest."
•• I 'am much mistaken," said her lover in her ear as he
led her away, ,. if you and I arc not about to have a grand
surprise."
"What is it?" ~I'c asked, with girlish curiosity.
'~I cannot tell yo~ here-tonlurrow. 1J
TOWN TOPICS.
But the morrow witnessed th.e arrival of a bevy 01
friends at Mr. Marabout's hospitable mansion; and for a
whole week Alicine was scarcely more than seen in
glimpses by him. The next even worse; the friends hav­ing
stolen her away with them for that length of time to
their own city. Ernest was very lonely waiting for her
return, as of course lovers will know, and thought the best
way of whiling away the last evening of her absence would
be to call on Allie's dearest friend, Miss Glenn.
Miss Eva was out, the servant said, but would return
very soon. Would he wait? He entered the parlor,
which was in twilight, the gas being not yet lighted.
Scarcely had he seated himsclf whei! the street door again
opened and two figures glided into the apartment:
"Now, darling," murmured the gentleman to his female
com)Janion, as they paused just hy the door, "you will reo
Oect on all I have been saying. I know Forbes is not in·
tending to be kept out of his claim on Allie much longer,
and I have no idea of seeing that child married before we
are. She will be home tomorrow night. We must puh­lish
our secret at once-and what if I go to that boy with
something of the same awkwardness of feeling with which
he came to me on a similar errand? Ha, ha!"
\Vhether or not the last illusion recalled to his mind the
emhargo he had laid upun Allie's lover, he bent his line,
slately fortn and kissell her, a fact well attested by two
senses of the witlless present,-not only sight, but hear­illg.
~lr. Marabont kisscd Eva Glenn a hearty, audible
kiss. Then Eva followed I,im into the hall, the street
door was heard to open and shut, and Eva to order lights.
Emest considered the cha:lces of escaping unseen while
Eva was removing her hat and wraps in another room.
Bul then, the servant would doubtless mention him to
her.
She re-entered the parlor just after, and finding the
gentleman lhere, never doubted that he had entered .only
the minute previous. Since the little adventure in the
cnnscrvatory, she had been exceedingly diffident of him,
as if doubtful how far ()l\ that occasion he had discovered
their secret; but she now greeted him very cordially, her
beautiful face beaming with happiness. After a very brief
call, Ernest hade h~r good evening; he had sufficient to
think of to prevent lonesomeness for one day at least.
When Alicine arrived at the depot the following even·
ing, she fonnd her uncle and her lover there with the car­riage
to take her home. A few minutes' drive and the
three entered the familiar parlor. Alicine and her poodle
made a dash for one another; the delighted animal sprang
into her arms, receiving her caress and solemn protesta·
tion that she woul,l never, never go away again without
him. But Ernest advancing grav~ly low~red the canine
to the carpet, and led Alicine back before the face of her
uncle.
"Mr. Marahout, thou that sayest a man should not kiss
a woman, dost thou kiss a woma,,? Kissing belongs to
our fallen state; and by your leave I shall henceforth take
my share of what belongs to me, along with yourself."
Saying which, he boldly drew Alicine to him and
kissed her fondly on lips, cheeks and brow, and then on
lips again, while her uncle looked on, evidently less
angry than confounded. After h:lving turned all sorts of
colors, as the saying is, he walked over and sat down in
his f:lvol'ite place in silence, like one who has nothing to
offer on the subject. Alicine looked from one to the
other in amazement. Ernest's expression was of mingled
amusement and triumph.
Quickly rallying, for the Jude Mambout of riper years
"'as equal to most occasions, he returned the gaze of his
niece, and the other, and thus spake:
"I can't quite understand how it was, but I am pretty
certain you were there."
The young man laughed outright.
"Allie, my child," 6aid her uncle to her in playful
tenderness, which, as he spoke, merged itself into ser­iousness,
"if you had an aunt-an elderly lady of eighteen
summers,-whose name was Eva, do you think you could
treat her with the reverence due your uncle's wife?"
There was a little interval of such uller, silence you
could almost have heard the descent of a snowflake upon
the pavemei,l. Slowly and yet swiftly AHcine compre­hended
the truth.
"You, dear, precious uncle!" she cried, approaching
to take his face between her ha;,ds. "Will you let me
have her-will she let me have her; for my aunt? Say,
say, is it going to be?"
"It is going to be, my dear."
"So Eva was kissed by you who have never kissed me,
at least, not since I was a child."
"Never mind, pet," .he responded, kissing her as hllnd·
somely as, though kissing hlld been the !Jusiness of his
life, " I'lI"-another kiss-~'make it up "-another-"to'
ybu no'y,,"-still another,-"see if J don't." I
Here the kisses between them became so intermingled
in s,ound thllt it was impossihle to distinguish which gave
the greater number.
"Playing at fo~feits?" said a soft voice, and out from
Allie's boudoir came Eva Glenn. "I was half asleep
atHI more, on the lounge, where I waited for your com'.
ing, and I thought JuJe-Mr. Marabout-and Mr. Forbes
were fighting a duel with pistols, and they fired round
after round. Allie, sweet, how do you do?"
Mr. Marabout stretched out a sturdy arm and took his
affianced under its close protection.
"You,c1ear," said Allie to he,:, delightel\ly, .. you told
me that you had always meant to be an old man's darl­ing,
but I never guessed yOll meant this."
.. Mr. Marabout, my dear sir," interposed Forbes,
pressing the hand of Aliei'np, "if I have not forfeited
your favor, I shall wed this YOllr niece in exactly one
month from this evening."
"None too soon," responded the guardian, "and there
will be two weddings at the same time."
THE HOME OF THE COLD WAYE.
This is the" heated term," and its hot enough to suit
almost anybody, but there are some cool spots in tOWI1l
an,l the coolest of them all is down on River street.
A TOI'JCS m:ln was meandering in that vicinity, one d'ay
this week, thinking of the refreshing cold that abounds
in the Himalaya mountains, when he was struck in the
neck with a snow ball. It was the real article, genuine­snow,
and a big lump on the editorial neck goes to
prove its hardnes; but the peculiarity about the whole
thing WllS that the snow was home made, as it were,
manufactured' to order ill loco. The gentleman who had
projected the snow hall was Mr. Charles Tucker, and -he
had thrown it, he said, to illustrate the beauty of the
new system of manufacturing cold waves, now carried
on at No. 62 River street.
The proceeding seemed cool enough to warrant fur­ther
investigation, and a few minutes sufficed to prove.
that the rloom of the icc companies is sealed. Prepare­hereafter,
to huyyour cold by the pound, and to regu­late
the degree of frigidity according to your own notion
of comfort. With a little cylinder filled with anhydrous
ammonia, and some piping in which to afford the ammonia
an opportunity to volatilize, you can freeze yourselC to Il
mummy and, after committing this easy method o(
suicide, keep yourself frozen hard for fhe edification Of'
your relations and the detriment and loss of the under­taker.
That's about what they do on River street. A
bottle of beer placed in one of their refrigerator boxes,
was frozen solid in four minutes. This may be 'called '
rather chilly, even for July.
The whole process employed consists of volatilizing,
anhydrous ammonia, and thus producing cold by mechan­ical
process; by transforming the free amonia into aqua
ammonia, and by regaining the anhydrous ammonia (rom
the aqua ammonia by the process of condensation. Some
of the experiments shown were really wonderful. An
ordinary thermometer, indicating 70 degrees, was dippe~,
into a cup full of anhydrous or absolute ammonia.. In fi-i< ,­seconds
the mercury was frozen sohd in the bulb. ' La'ito
storage rooms are ready for the reception and inde6nit.
storage of perishable arti es, and a tariff is beipg estab­lished
for commer ta use. It will cost 25 cents a month
to store a barrel of apples, or $1 from 0.ctober until May.
Butter will be stored at 10 cents a tub per month' and
oysters for 75 cents a barrel per month. The man who,
formerly had to sell his grapes at 1 cent or I ~ cents per,
pound, pays Yz cell( per pound storage for a month, and
'may then realize 5 or 6 cents.
The magnitude of this undertaking cannot be over es~i·
matcd. Any private refrigerator or ice chest maYI be
fitted for thc lise of "stored cold" at a nominal expeniC,
and while the cost is materially reduced, there is no
dripping, no moisture, no' chopping o( ice, no delay or
nuisance of any kind. The Refrigerator Company sells
the 'use of anhydrous ammonia at so much a pound, and
when that is all transformed into aqua ammonia, fills up
your storage battery again with cold, as it were. More­over,
the commercial advantage is of large importanee"
the co<I, pany issuing warehouse receipts which are.,
negotiable, just like oil certificates. Messrs. Burt P.,.-.:
sons, W. J. Starkweather, F .. W. Judd and Charlet(
Tucker are prominently Identified with the enterprise,
and Mr. Peter NeR is tbe efficent cold producer'.
Hon. O. J. )-lodge and wife nre in Oregon.
8
Mr. James II. Hoyt, a !",adillg- attorney of the Cleve·
land bar, has for a long- time borne the reputation of
peing one of the most Auent and willy after·dinner speak­ers
in the city. At lhe recent banquet of the Coal Pru­ducers
Associaiton he was called upon to respond to the
toast "The Coal Dealers from the Consumers Stand­point,"
and his address was such a mixture of mirth and
telling points, badinag-e and truth, that it is here printed
in full. 1\lr. Ho'yt modestly declined to assist in the
compilation of his remarks, and resort was had' to
another source of information which fact it is hoped will
appease his :lnger alld oven..:omc his aversion to seeing
himself in prinl. He said:
1\'ly COOling here this cvellin~, a single comsulllcr
amollg so Juan)' cord dealers, is all act of signal courage.
1. am cspeci:llly courageous in thlls venturing :llllung yOll
for the reason that I have heart! il rlllllored,-1 do not
know with what COrre(;llle~S,-lhal :l hurglnr hruke into
the hOll'e of " coal dcaler the other night "nd was
robbed of seven dollars and a h"lf of hard earned mOlley
::fore he could make llis escape; :lud yet, having heard
is, 1 venture :ullong you 111l:lrmctl :lnd ullattellded. ]
eSlImc my coming here is :111 illllstraliclI ftf the truth of
... --' old adag-e which s"ys: .. The plucked g-"use is not
afraid of losing his fcathers," which, being interpreted,
mean~ that the man who has nothing is not afraid oC lus­ing
it, and I imagine that is m)' case.
I think yUH havc made a mj~lakc in admitting :1. cun­sumer
to your fest.i\·ilic~, and c:-ipccinll), ill adlllitting one
who, like m)'~clf, has been m:1de a dreary Illisanthropc
by I,is esperiellce with coal dealers. Of course I came
whell I was biddell; I did not dare to stay awa)'; I kllew
that if I refu,ed, )'011 would raise the price of coal iifty
cents per tOil, so I :1111 here ill ohedience to the SlIlllnlons
or your :-.et.:ret:H)'; II\\l I think yUH made :l mistake. J
am reillilleu uf;\ ~t()ry Hf all English Bishop whose latter
years were saddelled hy the dread of paralysi,. The fear
of this haulltcd his ni:::hls alld sal behind hill. (III the
Episcopal throlle. I I i, friellds tried to remO"e his appre­hensivns,
bnt all ill ,·aill. lie <"<""talltly suhjected him­self
to'all sorts vf te,ts, ill order that he Illight detect the
approach vf the 11l,1Iad)'. alice at a large dillllcr part)'
he startled tht)se presenl I))' c:\c1:liming-: "ft.ly friends,
the blow has fallen at last. ",ualysi, has seized me; I
have no feeling in Ill)' righl Ieg." The painful ~ilen{"e
which followed was brcken \'y thel.:elltlemall sittillgnest
to him saying: "Excu:-.e me, my lord, IJllt thai is 111y
~eg your lordship is pinching' under the l:1ldc; ytlur lurd·
shIp has takell hold uf tlle wrtlllJ.:" lll:ln." I repeat, yOll
have made a rnistal.. c in tOIl1JH~llillg- the atlcndallt:c of a
consumer here; \Inlcs~ yun wi~h to bt: pul,licly \:":\poscd,
as the Bi,hop wa" you have taken huld of the wront:
man. YUtl !'ce, whell ;1 C(IIlSHllIcr comes to 3 feast like
this, even though he IS :lll invited guest, even
though ),ou lav;,h an unstinted hospitality upon
hun withont money :llltl wilhnul price, he neverthe­less
is forcibly reminded of his last winter's coal bill,
and when he thinks of that, he cannot help feelint: some­how
that he has paid for tl.e entire banquet himself;
and don't you sec that has a tendency to make him feel
biller? And then, when he compares your opulence
with his own poverty, wilY, thc chances :1re he will go
rigllt out and lay a line of pipe to the nearest natural
g-as well, or perhaps sink one on his own premises, if
you have happened to have left him any.
\Vhen I fir t heard Ihis toast, I knew that a coal dealer
,yas the authvr of il. N0 cVllsumer would have com·
posed it; for you coal dealers, whv have stripped him of
ever)'thiug-, have not Icft him enoug-h mendacit)' even for
that.
.. Coal Dealers from the Consumer's Standpoint."
\\lhy, don't you see that that sentiment is based upon
the monstrous assumptioll-not to call it by a harsher
term-that you g-entlemell of the coal trade, who have
long wanted, and for many years have had, the entire
earth, have left the consumer a single point on which to
stand and from which to view your operations? Oh, no,
gentlemen; the consumer (or more properly the con­sumed)
is credulous, but not credulous enoug-h to let
that "nssumption g-o unchalleng-ed. He knows that this
is the time of a second dcluge; that he, the consumer, is
the dove hovering helplessly over the Rood of financial
embarrassments..that you have let loose; and he will not
bring the olive branch to you in your ark of opulent
ecurity, until you let the waves of your prices subside a
lillIe, leaving at least one lofty peak somewhat exposed
on which he aligl)t and re t himself.
But we are told, gentlemen, to g-iv.: even the devil his
TOW"N TOPICS.
due, and I propose to do that here to-nig-ht-that was
rather an unfortunate allusion, for on reRection I remem·
ber that the devil belongs to the class I represent; now
that I think of it, I regret to admit that he is a consum­er.
\Vh3.t I meant to say, and should have said, was
that we are told to "render unto Cesar the things that
arc C;:csar's"; and obeying- this divine injunction, I am
obliged in candor to admit that we consumers are under
very great oblig-ations to you coal dealers. I see a smile
of solid satisfaction coming- over your faces, gentlemen.
I presume you imagine that I refer to financial obliga­tions;
but I assure you I do not. That subject is too
painful for me to discuss here. I dare not trust myself
to speak of that. No, I refer to other obligations, and I
will briefly enumerate them.
In the hrst plac.:, you have g-iven the cOllsumer a new
ohject for his amhition. I think it may be taken for
granted that any men, or associ:ltioll of men, who incite
their fellows to ~trcllUO\lS endeavor :lre hcnefactors of the
racc; and )'ou arc fairly entitled to tllis praise, gentle­,"
e,l. Let me make this clear by a personal explanation.
As many of yOIl know, I am a lawyer: and I think I can
say I am reasonably industriuus in the unholy calling- in
which it has pleased Heaven to place me. I work early
and late. Hilt what am I striving- for? My wife alld
family? Ah no, t:elltlemen: these objects, though dear,
are bill. secondary. Am I seel,ing- to vbtain a compe­tency?
Most decidedly nol.. I gave up all hopes of
that when I became the owner of a kitchen range. The
loftiest object of Illy ambition, the climax of my wildest
hopes, is simply to fill my coal hin; and for this lalJ(Ia­ble
purpose, I am indebted to yon, gentlemen. I may
llever succeed; but iC 1 persistently strive to at:t:omplish
this grand achievement, ] shall not have lived in vain.
Let it he said uf me when] join the" inllumerable C:lr­aV:
1.11" of departed consunlers, u He stnlve to fill his coal
bill." Let these words he writtell upon 1ny tomhstone.
Snch an epitath will ballkrnpt eulo:::y.
My coal bin resemhles the widow's cruse uf oil in one
thillg, and one thing unly. Like Ihat, it is never filiI;
hut unlike that, it is always empty. ] know of no such
:l. yawning, hungry, ills:1ti;lhle cha:-.nl as acoal hill. \Vhy,
the crater of Mount Vesnvins, the Grand Canon of the
Rockies, the jaws of Death itself arc nol to be compared
with it. This last winter, 1 h:lve elllptied the clIlire con­tenlS
af the l'OWelS of the whole earth into that coal bin,
induding: slate, sand ;:l1Id rocl,; and it h:l~ never been
comfortably filled, even decelltly sati,fied. An ostrich is
a miserable dyspetic by the side of il. I remember how
I used to enjuy the poems of those poets whom yon gen­tlell1en
undoubtedly subsidized to write on the beantiLs
of a coal fire; but all that was when I lived with my
father. It was before I set up honse-keeping an,1 joined
the r:l.nks of the COI1:-,lImers and owned a coal bin of my
own. \Vhy, when I hear the lire bells ring, 1 cannot
help the wild beating- of my hearl, eauserl b)' th!, wilder
hope that perhaps a coal bin is going to be esterminated
somewhere in :1 general conflagration.
'In the second place, \I'e consumers are under great
obligatio,,, to you coal dealers because you have chang-ed
the standards of weig-hts alld valnes. Let me give you
a single illustration of how you have chang-ed the stand­ani
of weig-hts. I have been losing Aesh ever since I was
born. I rio not remember that I ever stepped upon a
set of scales, such as were in common use hefore you im­proved
them, without finding- th at I was getting lighter.
This was dis,ressing- to me. I feared that I was going
into a decline; until one (by, happening into the office
of a coal dealer, I stepped upon his scales and made four
hundred and eighty odd pounds kick the heam. This
only illustrates what I am saying-, that yon have chang-ed
our standard of weights. You have taug-ht us how to I:et
more money for less weig-h t than we ever could have dvne
under the old regime, and you have henefitted us g-reatly
in this respect. Eut you have also chang-ell our standard
of values. In inquiring now about a man's wealth, we
do not ask," How much real estate does he own?"
.. How much stock has he got ?" .. How many dollars is
he worth?" we simply inquire, .. How many lumps of
coal has he?" And when we want to find out the finan­cial
responsibility of a man, we arc no long-er obliged to
make extensive inquiries among the banks, all we have
to do is to step to the nearest coal dealer and find ou t how
much coal he will tr'ust him for. I think that, owing to
your efforts, gentlemen, the time is rapidly coming when
gold and silver and paper money will pass away.. We
shall then no longer be obliged, while traveling in for­eign
countries, to trouble ourselves with the question of
exchange, the settlement of dIfferences, etc." If your en­Jig-
htened policy is pursued some time long-er, a man
can travel over the whole earth abundantly provided for
. all possible needs, if he has a few lumps of anthracite
coal in his bag, with perhaps a little bituminous thrown
in for small change. The" black diamond" will pass
current everywh~re; and, by the way, the man who first
used that appropriate expression must have had a proph­etic
soul. I did not understand the true meaning of it
until I became a consumer, but I now appreciate the ap­propriateness
of the tenn.
Eut in the next place, g-entlemen, you have placed the
consumer under oblig-ations to you for the reasou that you
have assisted him in makin::: out his accounts. I am afraid
I shall have to make this clear by going- into personalities
ag-ain. Away h,,-ck in "the dark back ward 'a ud al'ysm
of the past," before I had had my standard of morals
elevaled by intercourse with coal dealers, and when I
was at school, my father made me an allowance. This
allowance was a liberal one; and the only couditiou that
he coupled with it was that, in order that I might acquire
business habits, I was to reuder him au exact quarterly
account. I remember that wheu the end of the lirst
quarter came, there wcre numberless incidentals that]
had failed to put down, and that I could not for the life
of l1le rememher. It was ahsolulely necessary that I
should make my account balance, and a I,..illiant thuught
sugg-e,tcd itself to my mind, that I mig-hI put it down in
:l. IUlllp u(" fueL" \Vhen Illy father examined my stnte­men!,
as his eyes fell upon thaI charg-e, he paused for a
moment, and then in'lnircd, " What kintl vf fnel do you
use, my son?" and on .my replying in faltering accents,
"Coal," he passed the account witIJout que:-itioll. lowe
my escape Crolll p:Hcntal d.isciplinc tu yuu gentlemen,
alone. Had it not heen for your liheral dealings with
my father, I would prohably have heen put npon short
t:ommons. BUll anl 1I0l the only ('iIlC who is indclJlccl to
you ill thi~ respcct. Praise is due to you frolll traveling
men, Crom hank cashier~, and Crolll olher persons in pos­itions
of trust generally. \Vhat would they do without
the convenient method of squaring accounts which they
owe to you? You OC(;UPY the S:lIllC pusilion in financial
matlers that the cat does iu the household. When a de­licit
occurs ill the :lccount of:r trusted clIlldoyee, no l1l:lt­ter
how large this deficit may he, ] think it will appear
on :l careful investigation that the poor mall has been
obliged 10 have a coal fire somewhere. This notion of
attrihuting- such ~hortages to spet:ulation, to dissipation,
and all that is exploded since yun g-entlemeu have intro­duced
your impruved methods of btlsine~s. Now any
slIch deficit can he easily and satisfactorily accounted for
by simply charging- it to coal. ]f :lny proof i~ needed on
this point, if yon are auy of yon at all modest in accept­ing
the homage which 1 cheerfully pay to you for this, it
is only nccessary fvr l1le tn call yuur atlention to the fact
that it is g-enerally concedcd, I think, that all misapplied
tuonies "always go up in smoke."
But 1l1)\V, gentlemen, to he serious for :l. moment, we
eonsumers are greatly illllehterl tu men of your calling,
autl I should unfairly repre,ent the class tu which I be­long-,
if I failed to mention some of the substantial bene­fits
you COli fer. Vou form a Ilecessary and, indeed, a
eOllsirlerable part of the wurld's :::reat processiou forward.
The cart h reluctantly loosens her grasp on her hidden
treasures al your biddin:::, and when you have \lTested
t hem from her, you share them with us. I do not see'
how, at the present ,lay, life in large cities would be pos­,
ible without you. Yon enable ns to resist the assaults
of the cold; you ehang-e the" eager and the nipping
air" of winter into the genial wannlh DC SUlllmcr. But
you do more, yon furnish employment directly to thous­ands,
indirectly to millions. Our industries are in no
small measure dependant upon your efforts, and the tall
chimneys of our factories wave banners of Aame in your
honor. Vou uot only supply tonnage to the railroads,
without which they would lang-uish, but you breathe the
breath of life into the iron horse which draws that ton·
nag-e to market. Not a steamer turns her ponderous
wheel, not a g-as lig-ht Ricker., not an electric light sheds
its radiant but intermittent beams without your assist­ance.
You lend a helping- hand to laLor and to capital
alike.. Your pursuits are varied. You not only make
fires but you help to put them out, for how can the
steam engine do effective service without you? You not
only destroy cold, but you start the refrig-erating- appar­atus
that produces it. Though yOll even roast chickens
over a slow fire, you change places with the set­ting-
hen by heating the incubator to warm them into
life.
These are some of the many benefits directly due to
your industry, pluck and capital. As a repres.:ntative
of the consumer, I acknowledge the obligations he is
under. I admit that you should be adequately and fairly
rewarded for your efforts in his behalf. Like the wares of
the p'ltent medicine vender, you" come high, but we
must have you."
TOW"N TOPICS. 9
CLEVELAND . Chas. H. Walker, Ag't Pass'g'r Dep't,
79 Clark st., Chicago, Ill., or J. V. Cal·
ahan, Trav. Pass'g'r 1\g't, Cleveland, 0.,
who will cheerfully furnish all particu.
lars. 23·12t
-THE-RHODES
& B·EIDLER COAL CO.
A IVuldy Rt"Vi~ (If Society, Art
aud LiI~ratllre.
LINWOOD PARK, VIRMILLION, OHIO. MAKE A SPECIALTY OF SELLING TilE BEST GRADES OF
An order left with them is sure to give the purchaser satisfaction.
FOR FAMILY USE,
And to the careful and prompt delivery of the same they give
special attention.
COAL
1205 EUCLID AVENUE.
An old colored man W:lS going OVer a
portion of the bailIe field of Chickamauga
with me, and seemed to know so much
ahout the hallie itself that r finally in.
quired: .
"Were you here on the gronnd during
the fight?"
.. 'Deed I was, sah. I lived right ober
yonder hy dat field."
"How did it begin?"
"'Nail, sah, de Yanks cum up. It
looked to me like dar was gwine to he n
scrimmage, an' I took a seat on ,ht ar'
fence you see obar yender. I seed the
Yanks scootin' around, an' de rebels
scootin' around, an' I was jist gwine ter
call to de ole woman dat I ' pected dar'd
be a fout, when a big cannon went boom!
an' a big ball cum along an' knocked
down fo' miles of dat fence, an' the next
thing I knew it was three weeks later an'
I was working for my bo'd and clothes
ober in Knoxville."
"What became of the old woman?"
.. Found her seben months later in Ken.
tucky, an' she hadn't got done wid de
hysterics yit. Tell you,. boss, I doan'
want ter hev to save dis Union agin! "_
Detroil Fru Press.
and the edges of the plaits herring:boned
with Turkey-red cotton.
The theatre jacket is a new French
fancy, .to be worn at summer evening
entertainments at the watering'places.
These are made of many colors, and are
very ehborately ornamented.
Among recent importations of pass _
menterie was a skirt front in wall.flower
pattern, wrought in gold, 0ronze, mahog.
any and terra·cotla silk cords and beads.
which was a veritable work of art.
Some of the new French hasques are
close. fitting at the back, with a deep
pOln ted yokc and hal f·loose fran ts closely
helted, an,l are completed hy silver gird.
les with chatelaine .Ind attachments.
ONCE QUITE ENOUGH.
naturally "ntl,jfu/t"..lly nIHOtI~.r all tlejlulls' on
and around t he teeth and restores :\nd perreuly
preser'f'cs the lI(1t'~"'(1/lustre and smoothness oflbe
enamel, and benefits the gums, .A l,#.f'" 7 .. A",
UOIIO",)'. A "ecIssity, For Old aMd Yo''''r~
First COSl, 60 cents, for holder and box of 18 Felt
Polishers, latter only need be renewe<f, 2S ceou
per box; holder lmperi!.hable; at all deale.rs or
mailed by HORSEY M'F'G Co" -
Utica. N. Y.
Invention's Latest Blessing.
TO SMOK ERS AN D CH EWERS.
No longer lamcut the. discoloration and decay
of your teeth from uSlOg toba.cco, ·Expericoce
has proved that the daily usc of the ..
f;~ !J: - • - orll.:':. ~1!1I&ll. ~
i1)ii!"~~~
~. -
OFFICES:
253 SUPERIOR STREET.
Gay afternoon costumes for seaside wear
are composed of sheer white wool fabrics
in combination with Roman red India
silk.
Black and white is still a highly favored
combination, and costumes of this sort of
all materials and for every occaSIOn are
seen.
Flower bonnets in some instances have
the brim of one kind of nowers ant! the
crown covered with an entirely different
sort.
Dainty tailor gowns are made of pale
blue cloth or serge, with a white skirt
border and vest, overlaid with silver em­broidery.
A pretty summer costume recently
noticed had the b~dice and draperies of
China silk, showing clusters of wild roses
on a pale olive ground.
Dainty and airy summer bonnets are
made of net and silk gauze embroidered
with shaded silks and trimmed with ex­quisite
French flowers.
An effort is bei ng made to in trod uce
the fashion of wearing rings outside the
gloves. Ladies of refinement will not
take kindly to such an innovation, how­ever.
The skirts of dresses of thin materials
are made very effective hy sewing in
tucks from the waist to the knees, leaving
them unsewed below to sprend into a
flounce.
Comfortable shirt waists, which may be
worn without any skirt, are made of fig.
ured percale, with the collnr and cutis
FASHION NOTES.
WF.llER & LIND-Wall Papers and [)cco·
rations, 364 Ontario St. Telephone 2170.
Yard stick No. 1637 is called for. Partic­ular
allention is called to our patcnl
material for cleaning wall papers.
ing inclusive, which arrives at Cleveland
9:40 A. M. It is hoped, this liberal
arrangement will prove popular with the
residenters of Cleveland, and that many
will take advantage of the lo'w rate to
spend a pleasant Sunday in the country.
The Spring I-fouse, Richfield Springs,
N. Y., this year adds to its usual comple·
ment of ideals realized by presenting to
its guest. the neat and attractive Ideal
Fclt Tooth Polisher; probably as a gentle
reminder that they shoult! employ the
best known means to preserve unimpared
their full capacity for enjoying from year
to year the excellent tahle for which this
hotel is deservedly note,I.-Ulica Press.
A SUGGESTIVE SOUVENIR.
Mr. W. T. Long, the popular norist,
has just established a down town sale.
room at No. 100 Public Square, and is
prepared to execute all orders promptly
aud with care. Making up special designs
is an important feature of his business,
and he will keep constantly on hand a
choice display of cut flowers and potted
plants from his six extensive hot houses
at Glenville, O. Mr. Long does an
extensive business from stand No. 76 Cen­tral
Market, and enjoys the patronage of
many of the leading families of the city.
The cut nowers used at the recent double
wedding at the house of Mrs. Garfield
were supplied by him. The public are
cordially invited to call at the new sales
room.
A RICH FLORAL DISPLAY.
Begining July 1st and continuing dur­ing
the months of July, August, Septem.
ber and October, the Popular Bee Line­C.,
C., C. & 1. Ry.-will sell Sunday
Excursion tickets at one fare for the round
trip, from Cleveland to all stations on
their line, as far as Galion. Tickets will
be good going on evening trains of Sat­urday,
or on morning trains of Sunday
and good returning on all regular passen­&,
er trains until No. 20 of Monday morn-
This beauti(ul Park, with its shady,
leafy grove, is situated on the shores of
Lake Erie, 38 miles west of Cleveland,
along the line of the N. Y., C. &Sl. L.
(Nickle Plate) R. R. An excellent hotel,
with large, commodious rooms,offers ample
accommodation to visitors, and a dining
hall ne:lr by welcomes the guests to its
abundant supply. The rates for rooms,
hoarding, etc., are very reasonable. Such
as desire the pleasure of :l collage home
Illay have their wishes gratified, as quite
:l lIumher of cottages g:'ace the Park.
Fur persons desiring to escape the noise
and turmoil of busy everyday life, .I,inwood
Park uffers every inducement for quite,
homelike comfort and recreation. Refresh·
mcnts may be had as desired, at any
IWlIr of the day.
At the opening of the present season,
which has the promise of success, anum·
ber of improvements ha\'e already been
made, among which are the construction
of excellent waterworks, conveying water
directly to the collages and other build·
ings. The streets have been graded and
nice board walks lait! along the principal
streets of the Park. A new bathing and
boat house has been erected, offering ample
conveniences to such as delight in these
pleasant pastimes.
In the entire State of Ohio there is no
place better adapted for Sunday School
picnics or excursions than Linwood Park.
During the season of 1888, the following
meetings will be held in Linwood Park,
viz:
Faith Mission camp meetings, July 28th
to Aug. 6th; Evangelical S. S. convention
(English), Aug. 9th to 11th; Evangelical
camp meeting (English), Aug. 11th to
19th; German S. S. convention, Aug.
16th to 20th; German camp meeting,
Aug. 20th to 27th.
RATES-Rooms according to location,
per week, $3.00 to $5.00; board, per
week, $4.00 to $5.00.
Excursion tickets at reduced rates, good
to return until Oct. 31st, 1888, on sale
at all ticket offices of the New York,
Chicago & Sl. Louis Railroad.
CIcVClallll, Ohio.
WHERE THEY WENT.
Superintendents of Sunday.sch~ols, 10·
cal and central committeemen of all
political parties, and proprietors of manu·
facturing establishments who contemplate
giving their employes an occasional holi·
day, will please take notice that the New
York, Chicago & St. Louis I{ailroad Co.
will give special excursion rates to the
many resorts along the line of their road,
also to political meetings and camp meet·
ings, during the season of 1888. For
rates and all desired informatIon, call upon
agents N. V., C. & St. L. R. R. Co., or
correspond with F: J. Moore, Ag't Pass'g'r
Dep't, 23 Exchange St., Buffalo, N. V.;
CLEVELAND. OHIO:
Lithograph Ruild'g, cor. 51. Clair & \Vood sts.
Telephone, 852.
Pu1Jlislll;r:-.' alld Proprietors TOWN TIII'les,
ROSENBERG I'< ROSE.
Entered at lh~ POl't-Office at Clevehmd, 0., :ts
Second Cb.~s maller.
Advertising" r;ltcs 1lI:l(lC known on application.
III orucring hy IIl:lil, remit. hr cxprc~s, mOllcy
order, posl-ollil'C order, registered letter check
or uraft, payable to the orderof '
EXCURSIONS VIA" NICKEL PLATE."
1'ER~lS {IN ADVANC~:
0rlcye~r...... . $2.~
Six months...... . J.OO
Three 1110Ilths.. .50
Single copies, " 5 ciS.
Ilulllanity sweltercd on the Fonrth of
July, and made no secret of its sunering.
It wasn't very warm, either; but you'd
have thought so, if you had becn sitting
on a bench in the Public Square, the whole
blessed day, after the manner of our
country cousins, who had come in to "uo"
the town.
An,l the crowds that thronged the
Square I It seemed as though all the pop'
,dation of Cleveland had turned au t nl
lIIasse for the oc.;casion.
There were three distinct and separate
crowds, each noted for its peculiarities.
The smallest crowd was that about
Perry's monument. It was 'made up of
old men and women who'luietly sat and
sweltered.
The nex t largest aggregation was seen
around the fountain, admiring the alliga.
tor and watching him open and shut his
lazy, blinking, wicked eyes. H"re the
crowd was made up of young and gushing
people and they gave vent to their wonder·
ment by sundry" Ah's" and" Oh My's."
nut the jam, the crush, was all on the
corner opposite the Post Office. In and
about Case & Schamb's pharmacy the peo·
pie surged like the turbulent waters.
Inside, the turbulent waters-soda, min·
eral, and others -found a rapid sale. Six
nimble attendants, practised in the busl'
ness, were utterly unable to supply their
custom from the largest and most copious
soda fountain in the city. Just think of
it! The fountain averages 1,200 glasses,
at une filling, and it was filled five times!
Well, the people know a good thing
when they see it, and they ought to know
it no less when they taste it. Anybody
who wants a first·class glass of soda or
mineral water, mustgo to Case &SchamiJ's,
corner of the Square and Superior street,
opposite the Post Office.
10 TO"W"N· TOPICS.
BUY THE LATEST
Summer Jevvelry. MapandGuide
ANTIQUE AND
OXIDIZED SILVER.
-OF TIIE-
7 ra,'ditlg Nacssaires, Cups alld rlash,
Silver Barked Brits!us, Aft",irllre Sd.\'. CITY OF CLEVELAND.
BALL'S JEVVELRY STORE,
Wholesale Watch IJcalcrs,
SUPERIOR AND SI'NECA STREETS.
PI~ICE, 25 CENTS.
-
Cottage Grove Lake.
FASHIONABLE SUMMER RESORT.
~ FOR SALE BY ALL NEWS DEALERS.~
_--==-_-_.c::...--"=-_--=:-=-==============
C;O WHERE THE /,VOODB.lNE WASHETHi
FRAZEE'S \NOODBINE LAUNDRY,
Within Olle hour's ride of Clt:vcbnd. ORANGE AND JACKSON STREETS.
ALL REGULAR VALL~~Y RAILWAY TRAINS CONNECT WITII
I'rUlIll'llless, Punctuality and I'crfcction. Goods coVell for olld delivered.
COTTAGE GROVE LAKE.
5 TRAINS---DAILY EACH W A Y.----5 TRAINS.
II-13t
TELEPHONE 2215.
JOHN N. FRAZEE, Proprietor.
\Vorks: C. & P. R. R., between Gardell alllI
Quincy streets. . J'IJ • '26
11<) & 121 PUBLIC SQUANF,
TEI.EI'IIONIC 33<),
SAFE & LOCK CO.,
OHIO.
J\lallllf:n:lllrers of
Fire & Bura-Jar Proof b
·--SAFES,-
BANK VAULTS, SAFETY DEPOSIT
BOXES, TIME AND CUtVlBI­NATION
LOCKS.
CLEVELAND,
NATIONAL
llf:lYTWO DANCING PA VILlONS."~
Grounus all Sodded, and an abundance of Forest Crowth.
COTTAGE GROVE LAKE CO.
Graveled wolks Ihruligholil the Grove,
Beautiful I.nke, I,athillg, fishing,
TWlJ steamers Cl)lht:llll1y l'!ying,
Elegant Bathing 11(JII~CI
FillL:st 1",ller ('u;hlcr ill tllt: ~1;ltC.
Ilolel for Summer honnieis jll~t finished. Contains L:\'cry ('olicci\'aille illllll'u\'L'
lllcnl (or the accolllmudntioll uf gllests. The hotel is 1I111ler the direct lIl;lll<lgcllll.:n( II
the
121 Superior Sl., f{O"lI11 12.
For informolion, apply 10 JA~IES ~IELLEN,
At ]. L.
Columbus found America
In I 492 they state;
Bnt Cleveland's found a bigger thing
To-day in 1488!!
HUDSON 'S Of Course.
]. F. KILFOYL,
I ~1en's High Class Outfitter &Shirtmaker.
NOVELTIES IN.FANCY FLANNELS.
PERCALE AND MADRAS SHIRTINGS TO ORDER.
HIGH NOVELTIES II~ NECKWEAR.
SURVIVORS OF THE FOURTH.
245 SUPERIOR ST.
~--- --_._-_._-_.-
Hudson IS Sacrificing the Whole Stock of His Be~t Fille Suits, OHIO !{UBBER & BELl'ING CO.,
Worl},'$32, $30 , $28 and $25, al 154-156 SUPERIOR ST.
$14.8 8 . Largest Rubber Store in the State.
Co TO-DAY and Profit by it.
Any Suit in the EXCELSIOR Stock at 14.88.
Sink these figllres in YOllr pote-$'4.88.
''Vise men do not hesitate-$14·88.
Go before it is too I:lle-$14.88.
Finest of Trimmings-at Cive-away Prie~s.
Handsomest of Hats ot L'ow.tide Figures.
E:X:CELS:I:O~.,
CLOTHIERS, HATTERS AND FURNISHERS.
~~d
The Euclid A venue Business College and" Best 0' School of Eclectic Short Hand is in sess;'")11 'the
cnlirc ycar~ day and c~cning. Spec1a.l classes will O'l; or~~ni7.erl July 2 for students of the public
sdwols. 'J hose who wish to reach a higher $radc SllOllld JOin these classes.
ELOCUTION.-Special drill on graduatlllg cssa~s. orations, etc., byour instructor in elocution.
N. H.-This is now the largest business college III Clevclanq" and the most elegantly cquipped~
~1;oll~i~1!lllii;:~~llla~~~iI~~~esrtls~~ntlh~itc~}I~II~~I~:rc~~~i~1~~si~o11:;:~ci~1·I~1;~he~~~rO;~i:inc~~~1n~(!tiP1'~i~
t:ollcg"c occupies three floors of the elegant Argyle Block, which was remodeled by M:}. Caton, for the
spt:cial use of this school, and is furnished and carpeted in a palatial manner throughout ~every
department. The teachers arc men of noted ability, and the work of the institution needs but inspec~
tioll to be approved. Visit this college and compare it with others before paying- your money.
For circulars address. M. j. CATON. M. C. S., Pres., -
-rTf"lenhnn,. c"lfi .A8-g2 Eu_clid"Aven:ue.
a Wleekl\? '1Re"iew of Societ\?, art anb 'lUterature.
VOL. n.-No. 2.
A CONTRAST.
So queenly in garb, such a seraph in face,
She seemed like a vision, too brilliant to last;
My poor heart in throbbings kept time to her pace
As her footfalls in mJ,lsic reluctantly passed.
Oh, why should this passion rouse up from its lair t
Oh, fool, how I tremble and blush if she speak J
For she is t he child of a proud millionairc-
And] am a clerk at tcn dollars a week.
Yet I dare to look up-to flutter and die,
Poor moth. how I hover around the fierce flame;
And I catch if I can the shaft from her eye,
Though it pierces me through with the deadliest aim.
Oh, fool, thus to mingle sweet hope with despair I
The vulture of madness tears me with his beak I
For she is the child of a proud millionairc-
And J am a clerk at ten dollars a week.
SALLIE D' BRASSE.
DEAR TOPICS :-Whar shall we go when de hot days
come? '''',at's the burning question of the hour.
Shall we mingle with the" madding crowd" at Sara­toga,
or pl(;jjge into the whirling vortex of gayety at
Berea? Which shall it be-grand Mount Tom up in
New Hampshire, or plain Cousin Tom down in Bedford?
Shall we ape the English at Newport? Shall we sport
as deco.lette mermaids at Mt. Desert? Or shall we do
the aris'('f'ratic at the White Sulphur springs?
Of course we must go.
The season has come when Dame Fashion shakes the
club of Social Annihilation at us, and she ,bids us" move
on." I haven't yet decided what desert spot to transform
into an oasis by my presence.' You shall hear from me
as to that anon.
As fOl: the giddy girl who rushes off on a summer tour
in search of a husband, why, I've no patience with her.
She's blind as a mole. Because, don't you see, the pros­pective
husband is far more likely to be found at home.
The sweet young thing in male tourists whom one meets
and flirts with, is not easily roped in by designing fe­males.
He has Ie"a:rned wisdom while repelling the ad­vances
of the mercenary car porter ancl the fee-expectant
waiter. He has cut his eye teeth. He is journeying for
pleasure, and his motto is ., mash, not marry."
So, my dears, if you can't take a journey, just make
yoursel~es beautiful, take up yotlr station on the front
porch and feel that you are ~onarchs of all you survey,
at least while the other girls are away. Remember there
is compensation in all things, as dear, old, pie-loving Emer­son
used tosay. Fix tip the porch with rugs,draperies, easy­chairs
and bird cages, and when the girls write you of
the fun they are having, just inform them that your piazza
is crowded nightly with their best young men, and that
this is really the pleasantest summer of your existence.
You know how to do it. They witl turn green with en­vey
in their hot, mosquito-ridden hotel;, where it is
women, women everywhere, and some artful widow
finally waltzes off with the only man ill the crowd.
~...... '
I don't believe it I That's what I said when I saw a
sinful i\~.m in an Eastern paper to the effect that the girl
of the period wears a moustache. But .s" ,I read, on a
light burst in upon my indignant soul. . The cq,mical,
superstitious darlings I Let them wear them as often as
they pleas~as a charm or talisman, of course, and car­ried
within the bodice. It is said that the moustache of
I, man will bring certain good luck to its feminine pos­sessor
when carried as " safe-guard against evil. Queer
CLEVELAND, 0., JULY 14, 1888.
kind of mascotte, isn't it? But the trouble lies in obtain­ing
the lucky article. There may be a few girls who are
suffici~ntly beloved by their Romeos to be deemed worthy
of the sacrifice of the precious lip ornament, but most
young ladies would have to go to the barber. Then,
shades of the Voudoos, how they would be cheated'
Think of the patches of beards, side-whiskers, imperials
and even scalp-locks which would be palmed off on
them. I sadly fear, however, that these hirsute talis­mans
are carried more as trophies than as magnets of
fortune, and that the real charm lies in displaying enough
of the wiry little locks to eclipse all the other girls. So
if a girl shakes her string of bristly charms in my face,
I'll just conclude that the old Newfoundland and the
young Scotch terrier, to say nothing of coarse-haired
female friends, have all been robbed to make up the
startling number of black, brown, blonde, tawny and
auburn bunches.
Oh, have you heard what a dreadful thing occurred on
our street? It was simply awful. There is a pretty,
dark-eyed girl just a few doors from us, and I wouldn't
have been in her shoes the, other day not if they had been
nine dollar-made-to-order-number-two's. But I forget,
she didn't have ally shoes on. Th" harrowing tale run·
neth as follows: The dark-eyed girl was making a com­plete
change of costume in the sacred privacy of her
room, a front chamber, when her mother suddenly heard
screams of anguish from her daughter's apartment.
.. Mamma, mamma, come' Quick! Oh, do hurry'"
sounded the agonized tones of the dark eyed girl.
Seizing a parasol and expecting to find nothing short
of a burglar (or spider), the frightened mother rushed to
the front room. What a sight met her gaze! There lay,
or rather, crouched, her daughter, the pride of her heart,
prone upon the floor beneath the window. As for cloth­ing,
she hadn't enough on to make it worth while to de-scribe
her costume. . ,
.. My child '" screamed the mother, .. why are you
lying there in that state? Can't you get up?"
.. I don't want to, mamma, until you pull down that
blind. The hateful thing went up without a word of
warning !"
And so it was. The;r house possesses all the modern
inconveniences, among them being these patent blinds
which work up and down with a spring. And just as
the poor girl had disrobed, that blind, without any ap­parent
provocation, had sprung up, leaving her exposed
to the gaze of a cruel pi tiless world.
Mind, now, I don't tell this story for the purpose of
sending the male readers of TOPICS Venetian-blind-hunt­ing,
but just to warn the people who own them of this
new instance of the depravity of inanimate objects.
Pickles and hard-boiled eggs, red ants and lunch· bas­kets,
fresh, moist grass (rom which the green paint rubs
off when you sit upon it~what do these suggest? You
have it-the Picnic. The irrepressible Picnic is now on
the war-path. With its siren-like voice, its promises of
cool groves, murmuring brooks and peaceful hours of
rest and comfort, it lures us on to certain destruction.
I can't help it-I always go.
I wonder why it is, that at a picnic, someone always
gets mad. It is generally a woman who avails herself
of this privilege, I blush to say. The men critters, poor
souls, are tElO glad when the day of boredom is over, to
show resentment at anything short of an invitation to
another picnic. But they go, too. And they carry the'
luggage, put up the hammocks, and foot the bills with a
devotion worthy of a grand cause.
What a funny, inconsistent world it is I
I think that girls who expect to occupy hammocks
PRICE, 5 CENTS.
ought to put themselves in training for the summer cam·
paign. There ought to be a system of hammock gym·
nastics, so that a girl could learn to pose gracefully, to
get in to establish herself without making her form look
like a suspended mummy swaddled in a fish net. The
worst is the getting in. Don't attempt it before your
best young man if you value him, but if you happen to
be caught in one as I was, stay there and pre~erve your
equilibrium. It was last summer, but I never shall for­get
it. I was enjoying the most delicious do/a far ..imt~,
a bag of bananas and pitcher of lemonade I)n a chair be­side
me and a yellow-covered-scientific volume in my
hand.
I hate to be disturbed at such a moment. Just in the
midst of a sweet reverie and a melting banan', I was
aroused by a stealthy step. Then a stalk of timothy
grass was thrust into my face in a playful attempt to
tickle my olfactory organ.
.. Aw there, Miss D'Brasse," sounded a masculine
voice, .. What a charming siesta! Awfully sorry "--.-
Sorry! I guess he'll be sorry the longest day of
his life. He never finished that sentence I had
just time to look up and reco2;nize the bde noil"
of the country-house where I was boarding, and wish
that the hammock could swing right into his capa.
cious mouth, as he stood there smiling. His smile was
like that of the dear little alligator down in the Square­just
about as toothsome.
He took another step as he spoke, when-oh, calam­ity-
down we all went-a wriggling mass of mad young
man, hammock, Sallie and lemonade! Did you evel\
hear of such a combination catastrophe? One of my
banana skins had taken offence at that smile and thrown
him off his base. He grasped at the hammock rope, and
-there we were. Soaked and tangled up and wrathy,
we glared at each other. One of my feet was in the
pitcher and the banana bag was in his hat. The deep­dyed
villain actually thought it was my fault, because I
threw banana skins on the ground. Just as though I
wanted him there-when I was having such a good time.­I
don't believe he'll ever smile on another girl who gor·
mandizes bananas, unless she eats skins and' all. I hope
not, anyway.
Is it really so? Is dear Brother Doan really -going
to build an establishment for swimming and bathing
purposes? I Ii ve in the hopes that the rumor be true.
Build on, good Brother, and blessings on your big phil­anthropic
heart for the thought. Retrieve our reputa­tion
as an unwashed public. Put in a woman's apart.
ment, too. It will be patronized. I'm tired of hearing
the Buffalo people vaunt their advantages over us. Herll
we are, .. water, water everywhere," and no facilities for
swimming anything except an alligator.
The correspondents of a St. Louis society paper are
debating among themselves as to the beauty of the Grecian
knot. Now isn't this a pretty coil? And it's all Greek
to masculine readers, anyway. They surely can't deny
that it's a knobby style. And that reminds me of a
good joke they have on a nice young man of this city.
I can't vouch for the truth of the story, but I 'heard hi.
friends guying him about it, and they said it was deeply,
darkly, scalldalously true. He'll be mad at.me for'tel.
ling, but it's too good to keep. In the first place he ia
extremely absent-minded. I wouldn't be surprised any
time to hear'of his attempting to go to church on Mon,
day, or pocketing his landlady's napkins, or something
like that. Well, the boys told me that a business errand
took him into an insur.ance office lately. Beside the
door with her machine against the wall, sat a pretti
auburn-haired type-writer girl. Type-writer g,irla, are
always pretty, you know, and she was no e~ce~ti?n t~_
the usual type. But her beauty has nothint to,·ito witD
A CO~IEDIETTA IN ONE ACT.
Mr. Kinglake, take' charge of
I am always forgetting where
the story, as our friend did not see her face and devoutly
hopes that he never may.
The auburn-haired girl leaned over her desk, busily
manifolding, as the absent·minded youth started to leave
the office. But for three fatal I1\inutes he paused and
continued his business conversation, then, suddenly
turning toward the door, still talking, he grasped, not
the door-knob, but the smooth, shining Grecian coil of
the fair typist.
He had taken hold of the wrong knob! It was so
round, and such a perfect bronze shade-who could
blame him? Not I, for I've often felt a temptation to
get hold of the hard, uncompromising looking things,
and give them a little wrench, just to see how real they
are.
This one was real. And that nice young man, who
wouldn't harm a June-bug, gave it a good hard twist
before loosening his grip. The type·writer girl shrieked
with fright and pain, and the pretty, nimble fingers
crushed a hopeless jum ble of figures, let ters and punctu­ation
marks out of the instrument. Clerks, the elevator·
man and the cleaning-woman rushed to the rescue, but
our hero managed to make his escape before a policeman
could get there. His friend was left to explain the
apparent inhumanity of his conduct and calm the
wounded feelings uf his pretty secretary. She wears her
)lair in a French twist now. She says if anyone is going
to twist it she prefers to do it for herself.
SALLIE D'BRASSE.
THE SUNDAY-SCHOOL PICNIC.
[Mr. Fred Kinglake has been rejected by Miss Cherry
Oliver. She gives him 10 understand that all men are
selfish. and that she intends to become an old maid.
Mr. Kinglake accepts her decision as final, and is much
cut up thereby. However, he finds himself irresistably
drawn to attend the annual picnic of St. Timothy's, of
which Miss Oliver is a devout member. He has no
special liking for picnics, but he knows that she will be
there. Consequently he finds himself one morning, on
board the train headed for Cuyahoga Falls. The car is
crowded. He relinquishes his seat to five little girls
and seven baskets, and stands up ill the aisle.]
Mr. Kinglake (soliloquizing)-" Well, I'm in for it.
There's no denying that. I'll be in for it still worse if
that stout lady doesn't remove the basket from the floor
iA front of me. If the car starts suddenly I shall prob­ably
wade through it. I don't see Cherry. Can she
havo--ah, there she is, as sweet as a rose. Hang it all,
she shouldn't look so jolly. I'm sure I don't. But I
will, though. She shan't see any disappointment in my
looks." (He hows and smiles right and left.) "Good
morning, Miss Euclid; Miss Perry; Mrs. Dodge; Miss
Dorchester. "
Clwrus offemale voices-" Why, its Mr. Kinglake. Oh,
how good of you to' come. You ~vill be so useful."
Miss Oliver. (at the other end of the car, soliloquizing)
-" Why, there's Fred-'-Mr. Kinglake. What could
have brought him here? Well, I never. He seems as
happy as a lark. See how he smiles on the ladies about
him. lie has no right to. I consider such levity un­called
for. He ought to have the good grace to at least
seem a little disappointed, even if he doesn't feel so.
Well, this settles it. I said that men were selfish, now
I know they are heartless as well." (She settles herself
down in a corner of the car and affects not to hear the
gay laughter that floats up from the region where Mr.
Kinglake is entertaining the ladies.)
Mr. .K. (enjoying a moment's respite and soliloquizing)
-She hasn't looked this way once. What a very de­lightful
day I am having! Ah, thank goodness, here
we are at last." (Everybody descends from the car.
Mr. Kinglake assists the ladies at his end of the car to
alight, and is then instantly surrounded).
CIw,."s of ladies-" Now, Mr. Kinglake, you'll help
us with the heaviest baskets, wont you?" _(They load
him up).
Mrs. Dodge-" Carry that bottle carefully, Mr. King­.
lake, the cork is loose."
Miss E"cliti-" Please,
my wrap and umbrella.
they are."
#iss Dorclusler-'.' Mr. Kinglake, this jar of butter
'filial go, too, and so must these cans of pickles. Look
out for them, I've lost the covers."
• ,.(They reach the grounds in safety, although how he
yer does it is a lasting wonder to Mr. K).
. . rpwl cllorus ofs0fralfOs and allos-" Now, Mr. King.
t pkase get these benches and tables together--­And
.Mr. ·Kinclake, you'll help us unpack the things,
TOW"N TOPICS.
I /
won't you?-Say, Mr. Kinglake, we want two large
pails of milk; th'e man here says there is a farmhouse
where they seil it only a mile and a half or so up the
road--'-Now, Mr. Kinglake, the ham is ready for
slicing---Bring three large pails of water from the
well, Mr. Kinglake, please---Mr. Kinglake, Mr.
Kinglake, will you please see if the infant class is all
right ?---Mr. Kinglake, won't you come down and
swing the girls; the boys have all run away."
Mr. Kinglake finds himself on the threshold of a very
busy day. He is in constant demand on every hand.
He waits on the tables, he enters into the
childish games with great zest, and he acts as a
guardian over the entire juvenile flock. In the
midst of these exacting duties he seems to entire­ly
lose sight of Miss Oliver. When he has time to think
at all, he thinks it very likely that she avoids him. This
idea makes toil all the more welcome. He blisters his
hands, he burns